Eternal Burning

Chapter 20 – ‘We Are Unquestionably Not A Thing!’

I never felt anything strange about my life until college.

Ordinary is created when you compare it to atypical. Atypical people, of a piece with the expression ‘weird and different’, only discover how different they are when they meet ordinary people.

I will always remember the surprised and odd look on Lu Feiheng’s face when he learnt that I had spent 18 years of my life having no fun, no friends, and only studying. He thought it was ‘peculiar’ at the time, but now that I think about it, it was probably more like he was feeling sorry for me.

I watched Shang Lu’s film, ‘Ni Xing Feng’, for the first time back in college together with the guys in the dorm. I do not know if it was an ‘imprinting reaction’, but after that, when I watched other people’s films, I felt that they were not comparable to Shang Lu’s. I even secretly bought his posters and hid them under my bed.

Lu Feiheng also liked Shang Lu and would often re-watch his films with me. The ones we watched the most were all R-18, with Shang Lu’s amazing physique and chiselled face on display.

I should have noticed earlier — Lu Feiheng and I had such similar tastes, how could he be straight.

It was a pity because Shang Lu was only thirty years old at that time, and had already stopped acting and retired from the entertainment industry. He left behind only a few films, which I could even recite the lines from as I watched them over and over again.

Had he not retired from the industry back then, he would have been a legendary actor by now.

It was a pity for many fans that he had given up his promising acting career at his most glorious time by turning to business. It is no wonder that so many people are expecting Shang Muxiao to follow in his footsteps and to join the world of acting. It has nothing to do with preference, more like the… feeling.

But with such a poor relationship between father and son, it should be out of the question.

“Eat the broccoli.”

At the quiet table, a stern female voice interrupts my wandering thoughts and pulls me back to reality.

And at the square table, four of us are sitting on each side, with Bei Yan across from me, frowning glumly at the broccoli remaining in his bowl.

He grew up not liking vegetables and used to save them for last, pretending to eat them in front of our parents, but actually just keeping them in his mouth and spitting them out the window when he returned to his room.

It was a foolproof move, but my family is situated on the first floor and outside his window is the ‘greenery area’. During that time, my mother always wondered why there were so many flies in summer, so she went there to take a look, and that was when his move was exposed.

Our mother got furious at his deception, and after clearing the greenery area, she gave him only vegetarian food since then. It was intended to correct his picky eating, but he simply didn’t like it, and as he grew up, his dislike of vegetables remained engraved in his bones.

“Oh.” Bei Yan reluctantly stuffs the broccoli into his mouth, chewing it awkwardly.

I can see that he is really struggling to eat it, so I speak up for him, “If he doesn’t like it, so be it, don’t force him.”

My father says nothing. It probably has something to do with his work in the government; he always comes across as a serious man, and he does not chat or laugh much, even when he is at home. From the very beginning, he has been letting my mother take charge of everything in the house, and he does not interfere in the education of his children.

He has always believed that there can only be one voice between husband and wife, because the moment both of them are vocal, conflict will erupt.

“No. How can he be well with unbalanced nutrition? He must eat it.” My mother is as hard-line as ever, not budging even a little bit.

She has gained no weight over the decades. She at least had the plumpness in her face when she was younger, so she was not too thin. But as she aged, her skin started to sag, she lost her fat, and became thinner and thinner; so thin that her eyes started to look extra big, making one frightened when being looked at in anger.

Bei Yan is frightened by her and wholly swallows the not-chewed-enough broccoli. He then freezes there, his eyes wide open, his hands over his neck, his mouth open but unable to make any sound.

An intensely ominous feeling washes over me.

His movement is truly frightening. Our parents soon lose their composure and put down their chopsticks and gather around him, patting his back and giving him water.

Bei Yan’s face turns purplish and he looks like he can hardly breathe, obviously being choked by the broccoli.

“Xiao Yan, don’t scare your mother.” My mother’s voice is tinged with sobs and her whole frame is in a frantic state.

“Quick.. I’ll drive.. to the hospital.” My father says as he gets up and goes to find the car keys.

I remain calm among them. I remember reading in the first aid manual that the Heimlich manoeuvre is to be used for this kind of choking, and that if it is carried out late it may cause permanent damage to the brain.

“Wait, we should first force the food out of his windpipe…”

No one is listening to me at all. My mother keeps patting Bei Yan’s back, tears already filling her eyes, and muttering the same phrase over and over again, “You must not encounter difficulties, you must not…”

My father is in a flat spin looking for the keys, but the more he hurries, the more he fails to find them, so he takes out his phone and calls for an ambulance.

Seeing as how it will be too late any later, I purse my lips and push my mother out of the way, yanking Bei Yan over so that he is sitting on my lap face forward, then I make a fist with one hand, place it above his navel, with my thumb side in, and grab the wrist with the other hand and press upwards rapidly and forcefully.

Using the remaining air in his lungs to create airflow, it only takes two strokes for Bei Yan to retch with a loud ‘ahck’. The detritus of the meal he had eaten goes down his shirt and onto my hands and body, along with the broccoli that had nearly ended his little life.

Free from the choking, he breathes heavily and then collapses, firmly caught by our mother, who takes him into her arms and kisses him repeatedly.

“How is it? What happened?” My father runs over in a panic, holding up his phone, his complexion no better than Bei Yan’s.

I draw a paper towel from the table to wipe up my hands. Seeing Bei Yan crying while breathing heavily, I say, “There should be nothing serious now. But you can also go to the hospital to make sure.”

My father stands still for a moment, covers his heart with great relief, and then explains the situation to the operator on the other end of the phone, telling them that they do not have to come with the ambulance anymore.

No one is in the mood to carry on with the meal after what has happened. My father gets busy helping Bei Yan to bathe and change, while my mother cleans up the table.

I wipe the stains off my trousers with a paper towel and then wash my hands over the sink, but that sticky feeling still lingers and makes me a little queasy.

“Thanks to you just now.” My mother puts a stack of dishes into the sink, fully back to her usual self. If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not have known that she could lose control of herself like that.

“He’s my brother, how can I just watch him suffer like that?” I say softly as I wipe the water spots off my hands, and toss the paper towel into the trash, deciding to see Bei Yan and leave afterwards.

“Your trousers…” My mother suddenly says, stopping me, her gaze sweeping over a wet mark on my knee. “Should I ask your father for a new pair?”

I clench my fist slightly and shake my head, politely declining her kind gesture.

She makes no further insistence, turns on the tap and starts washing the dishes with her back to me. And that is all there is to say between us.

–

Following a near-death encounter, it expends Bei Yan physically and mentally. He appears to have wilted a little after the bath, huddled unclothed under the covers, looking ready to drop.

“Are you still in as much discomfort?” I ask.

“Not anymore. Ge, you’re the best. If it wasn’t for you, I would have been dead now.” Probably because he has just vomited, his voice is still a bit hoarse and not as clear as a juvenile’s, and his little round face is also a bit pale.

I tuck him in and say, “Be more careful when you’re eating next time. Mom and Dad are getting old. They will not be able to bear it if something bad happens to you.”

Bei Yan pouts and lets out a low ‘mhn’.

I intend to leave then seeing that he is fine now, but he suddenly calls me mysteriously, to which I stop, and he says in a low voice, “Ge, is the dog okay now?”

I glance at the door of the room before I show him the recent photo of the dog in my phone that Dr. He had sent me.

“It is recovering well, it’s just that the fracture it has suffered will not heal that easily and will still have to recuperate.”

“That’s good…” Bei Yan looks at the photo several times over and over before handing the phone back to me and says in a whisper, “Ge, thank you.”

My heart softens, showing him my first genuine smile for this night. I stroke his head, say goodbye to him and turn to exit the room.

–

My father sees that I am leaving and offers to see me off.

The two of us stay silent all the way until before I depart. He finally cannot help it and says, “Bei Jie, there’s a girl who was introduced to your mother by a friend a while back. She’s in her twenties, very good in all respects, only that her education background isn’t that outstanding, and there’s a slight hand disability…”

I thought Bei Yan’s accident was the worst thing that could happen at this family dinner, it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg.

I suppress my irritation and interrupt him, “I am in such a state, and you want me to get married?”

My father gapes at me, as if offended by my attitude, and his expression sinks.

“The girl accepted it, she knows about… your situation. She says that if anything, you both can try IVF if you want to have children in the future. Your mother and I both think she’s great and is well-suited for you. You’re already thirty-two, it’s time you consider matters of the future.”

This is too ridiculous.

I, the person involved, was completely unaware that they have actually already reached the point of discussing marriage with the girl and had even worked out how the future child will be born.

I feel as if there is a mass of ice-bound fire in my chest, wanting to burn up everything, but so weak as to not even be able to burn through the ice walls around me. I can only helplessly watch myself being consumed to death, living a useless life and treading water.

“Are you asking my opinion now, or are you just letting me know?”

“Bei Jie, we are doing this for your own good.”

I let out a ‘ha!’ and say with an indifferent expression, “Thanks, but that’s not necessary. I’m perfectly fine living on my own.” And without looking at him, I speed away.

–

Once I return home and finish my bath, I intend to have a drink and watch a movie before going to bed, but before this all happens, I receive a phone call from Shang Muxiao, which turn my bedtime plans upside down.

“It’s still eight o’clock, you aren’t sleeping yet, are you?” There is a faint sound of low, gentle music coming from his end of the line and no more other than that.

“Not yet.”

“I’m at a bar, do you want to come? I’ll buy you a drink.”

Grabbing a wine glass from the cupboard, I say, “I do not like crowded places and if I go there I will have to drive myself, I cannot drink then.”

He chuckles, “It is not that kind of bar, there are very few people and it is very quiet. No alcohol, then I can buy you juice.”

It has been a really tiring day for me, and I have already had a bath. I can have a drink anywhere, I can totally do it here at home, I don’t have to go that far to get a juice. Besides, why should I be available for him at will? We are….

“Laoshi,” he purposely drags out the ‘shi’, calling to me so sweetly. “If you come, I’ll sing a song for you.”

My thoughts grind to a complete halt, as if they suddenly got disconnected from me.

We are…

“I can sing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’ as well as ‘Kiss My Baby’, which one do you want to hear?” He’s probably in the middle of smoking as his voice takes on a hint of hoarseness at the end of his talk.

It is as if I can smell the lingering scent of nicotine through the receiver of my phone. Strong, choking and screamingly dizzying.

…are…

“I will send you the address. I will wait for you.” He hangs up without giving me a chance to refuse.

A text message then appears with the address. I stare at the screen of my phone in a daze, my fingers clenching tighter and tighter.

Are what?

Are unquestionably not a thing!

Bam!

Annoyed, I slam the cupboard shut and head back to my bedroom to change before heading out again.