Forget Vivian

“A Child?” Samuel’s eyes darkened as soon as that ‘word’ was mentioned. He reached out and ruffled Vivian’s long and silver hair, “Why are you talking about a child? Gillian didn’t mention anything unusual about your condition… Don’t tell me, are you pregnant?”

At Samuel’s sharp tone, Vivian involuntarily let out a loud noise and shook her head, “No!”.

Her heart beat fast as Samuel’s eyes remained fixated on her. He wore a look of disbelief. 

It was clear to Vivian that he was trying to find out if she was lying. 

How could he not when she acted so strangely?

Vivian waved her hand dismissively and told him, “No…I mean, my mother asked me a while ago about children. It’s been three years since we’ve been married and there’s still no news…”

“Ah.” Samuel nodded his head, as if finally understanding what she meant. With his index finger, he lifted Vivian’s chin up slowly and stared deeply into her eyes.

Vivian tried to remain calm and bravely faced him. 

After thoroughly checking her face for any more suspicious signs, he finally opened his mouth, “Vivian, I thought you understood what I meant when we spoke about it.”

When she only remained silent, Samuel continued, “I’ve told you before, I don’t need a child. We already talked about it. I don’t think I have to say it again.”

Vivian’s heart throbbed painfully, and for a second it seemed as though it had stopped beating.

‘As expected.’ Her heart sank like a balloon that was about to burst.

‘What were you expecting? Vivian, come to your senses!’ She mentally berated herself.

It’s not like she didn’t know what kind of man Samuel was from the beginning.

Vivian then bit her lower lip and tried to calm herself.

After hearing Samuel’s response and seeing how he reacted, she finally decided on what she needed to do.

Samuel was a man who always means what he says and he keeps all his promises. That is why she knows that when he said he doesn’t need children, he was being sincere about it. If he finds out that Vivian is pregnant, he’ll definitely tell her to terminate her pregnancy.

Having made up her mind, Vivian donned on her usual smile and responded, “I know and you are right. But you know how mothers are, no matter how many times I say it to her, she will never believe nor understand me.”

After hearing her answer, Samuel removed his hold on Vivian’s chin. In the first place, he had no reason to doubt her nor expect her to lie. After all, she has been faithful to him all these years.

After seemingly putting the issue to rest, he laced his fingers between hers and started pulling her with him, and they continued their stroll in the garden, “Come on, we are already three minutes behind schedule.”

Vivian sighed to herself, ‘This man can’t even afford to spare me three minutes, perhaps, it is really better for the child not to be born at all…’ 

Right now, her baby was still the size of her fingernails…

Vivian trailed behind Samuel so she could only stare at his back. Therefore, she couldn’t help but continue thinking about her baby and mentally debated with herself whether or not she should keep it.

* * *

The past few days had been an ordeal for Vivian. 

She constantly found herself struggling and fighting with herself as she tried to figure out how to proceed with her life. For someone like her, who depended on someone else to control her life, it was the first time she was planning on her own. 

In the last three days, even as she carried on as usual and followed her busy schedule, she had never forgotten about her baby. Even when she is eating, washing, or sleeping, her thoughts just keep drifting to her unborn child.

‘What will change once she has a kid?’ Questions like this kept bothering her.

Still, one thing seems certain; the child will blindly love Vivian.

But… will she be able to return such love?

Especially when the only love she has known was controlled and coercive. After all, that was how she was raised all her life.

Still, she had always secretly thought to herself that her child, if she had one, will be raised freely and that she will love it unconditionally. She was determined to do just that.

But is she ready for that kind of responsibility?

As more questions filled her mind, Vivian couldn’t help but wrap her arms around her belly while she kept her secrets to herself. 

Suddenly a dark shadow loomed over her figure. It was just then that she remembered that she was supposed to accompany Samuel for a ‘snowflake’ party. It was a gathering where nobles convened together.

Perhaps all the nobles from all over the country will attend that night.

“Vivian.” The sudden voice of her husband startled her.

In slight panic, she dropped her hands to the sides and straightened her back, “Samuel, since when were you here? I must have been so engrossed with my thoughts that I didn’t notice you coming in. Is it time for us to leave now?”

Samuel patted Vivian’s shoulder gently. She doesn’t know why but she began to feel anxious, “Isn’t it late? Wouldn’t we be late? Samuel, do you have something to say?”

After what seemed like an eternity, Samuel finally opened his mouth, “I’m… going to a party with Natalia today.”

Vivian blinked her eyes slowly, ‘Natalia…Samuel’s only…mistress.’

Her heart sank with a loud thud that only she could hear.

She shouldn’t feel so disappointed. She was used to this. After all, Natalia often accompanied Samuel in several functions that Vivian couldn’t come to, especially when her schedule clashes with the crown prince.

Vivian bit down her tongue.

To be honest, she didn’t love Samuel at first, but her feelings naturally progressed into love after being tied up in a political marriage with him since they were children. 

There was a time that she thought he felt the same way, but perhaps that was all Vivian’s misunderstanding.

‘I don’t know what you are thinking anymore. Do you even love me?’ Vivian proceeded to bite her dry lips. Her question, which she could not dare ask continued to hang at the back of her mind and made her feel more miserable.

Despite the fact that people always said that she worked well with the crown prince, there were times when she felt she was at odds with him and that they were seeing things with different eyes. For one, Samuel kept secrets from her and often met other people without her knowledge. Even when she asked him about his clandestine trips, he would always tell her with a tired face, “It is not for you to wonder…”

And so his unofficial schedule grew by the day and still, no explanation was ever given to her, except his ready answers of; “It just happened…” as well as his favorite line; “Do I have to tell you?”

He is used to customarily cutting her off in cold swiftness.

Soon enough, a wall began to build between them, which only grew stronger by the second. 

Due to the wall, their words felt caged and they could no longer reach each other.

Once more, Vivian absentmindedly wrapped her arms around her belly.

Right now, it felt like the only person who was on her side was her unborn child.

She needed to be strong like a true mother, and so, she faced Samuel and blinked her eyes at him, just as a doll would. As she looked at him she couldn’t help but notice that like always, his face was calm and undisturbed.

“Why…?” She couldn’t finish her question.

But she wanted to ask; ‘Why are you taking Natalia with you, and not me? Is it because she is more beautiful? More sweet? Or is it because I am not a good dancer, like her?’

Mindless and pointless self-blame started to plague Vivian’s thoughts. As always, thinking of Natalia only made her anxious. Despite the fact that she made her doubt herself and feel suffocated, Vivian swallowed those questions and settled for wetting her lips awkwardly and waited for Samuel to speak instead.

Samuel hugged Vivian and pressed his lips to her forehead and explained, “I have someone I should meet with Natalia there, Vivian.”

“Natalia and…”

“Vivian…” This time her husband’s voice sounded sharper, “Once again I am telling you, I have nothing to do with Natalia. She will never enter the Imperial Castle.” Samuel comforted Vivian with an unusually soft voice but for some reason his sincerity could not reach her ears.

It sounded like a nonsensical excuse, and so she couldn’t just sit still.

In the past, there were occasions when the public would sympathize with her when the crown prince took his mistress out on official functions instead of her. The whisperings of the masses would grow so loud that they would even dig through her castle’s walls and reach her. She’d hear them talking about how sooner or later, Natalia will enter the palace and that they would fight over Samuel.

Still, even as Samuel heard those rumors himself, not once did he say anything to dissuade it and reassure her. Except his dismissive words of; “It is nothing to worry about”, and “Nothing happened between Natalia and I”.

Frankly, she has grown tired of feeling like all her worries were unfounded or that what she was feeling wasn’t valid at all.

She has learned not to argue with him after all. So with a faux smile she replied, “I’m fine, Samuel. Natalia can go with you if she wants to.”

“You don’t look good.” He told her before hugging her tightly, “I’ll be back as soon as the party is over.”

‘That means, I can’t leave my room and have to sit here and wait for you, doesn’t it Samuel?’

As her husband embraced her, all Vivian could think of was hearing her chains clattering on the floor.

Just like that, he left her alone so easily.

He must be at ease thinking that he has calmed down his wife, but he doesn’t know…

No word of his could comfort her now…

From the corner of her room her attendants seem to see the unmasked sadness on their mistress face. Before they could even attempt to comfort her, she addressed them while shaking her head, “It’s okay, everyone, get out.”

“However….” One of them spoke.

“Go out.” She insisted.

In the end, the maids had no choice but to leave without saying a word to Vivian.

Once she was alone, Vivian only stroked her belly in silence.

‘Baby, Samuel doesn’t know that his soft tone and promise to return are of no use to me.’

Vivian’s heart ached at the position that was pushed away from her because of Natalia.

Since she was here now, then what exactly is her role in Samuel’s life?

This place was no different from a cold prison because it was a thorny road.

Vivian started to consider choosing her baby over Samuel.

* * *

A few days later, there wasn’t much change in Vivian’s disposition. 

She was still deeply troubled about her situation. 

It was at this time that the Duchess of Endless came to visit her. 

It was early in the morning when she came and so she had no choice but to go on her morning walk with the Duchess.

After their stroll and as the pair settled in the gardens for tea, the Duchess suddenly turned to face Vivian and asked, “Do you have any news yet?”

Like a bucket of ice cold water, Vivian was pulled out of her reverie and sighed, “Mother…”

Her mom gave her an affronted look and replied, “You have been married to the Crown Prince for quite some time now. Don’t you think it is time for you to give birth to an heir. The baby will be the joy and strength for His Majesty.”

“Do you really think so?”

The Duchess of Endless nodded her head, “Of course!”

‘Strength…’

Vivian gave her mother a bright smile that was laced with bitterness, “I will try, mother.”

She didn’t notice the wistfulness in the Duchess’s eyes when she saw Vivian drinking tea with a gloomy face.

Vivian patted her stomach as usual, ‘Baby.’

She wasn’t ignorant although she grew up as a noble, so she knew that some people wanted children and some people also did not want them. Her husband was the latter, still… 

‘Samuel, I feel like I want to have this child for some reason.’

* * *

Vivian tilted her head at the touch of light pulling of her hair.

‘Ah…’

Vivian blinked her eyes and made out a familiar face, “Samuel…”

He was in her room… 

Her pale pink eyes bloomed like a spring flower and disappeared between her fluttering white lashes as he stared at her. For a while, it seemed as though the two of them were frozen in place until her husband pressed his lips together.

Vivian instinctively frowned as she felt heat soaking into her skin.

It seems that her troubles are not yet over…

Just then a thin pair of flesh landed on her lips and started kissing her.

She could feel his hot tongue sliding inside of her and breathing her in. He felt so hot, like warm fire as he laid her down on her bed and climbed on top of her.

A few tears started spilling out of the corner of her eyes as he continued to touch her. Noticing this, Samuel turned to the sides of her cheeks and started sipping them. He then began to lightly nibble on her ears.

She could sense the drowsiness in his veins even as he continued to straddle her. Finally, he paused on his ministrations and whispered to her, “Vivian.”

She reluctantly opened her eyes and stared at him while slightly trembling, “Yes?”

“I don’t need a baby. I hope we never talk about babies again.” After saying this, Samuel turned to lay on his back and pulled Vivian’s body with him.

Vivian rested her forehead on Samuel’s arms.

She felt as though Samuel was driving a nail to her heart as his fingers traced her back. 

“If I had children, you wouldn’t give birth to them.” He told her in a firm voice and just like that the final nail broke her heart into pieces.

‘My child… Are you telling me to get rid of my baby?’