Hello, it’s Mary-san. I’m in Another World now……

The university classes will start tomorrow, so I decided to take a bath and freshen up, so I filled the bathtub in my apartment with hot water and just as I was thinking of dipping in the bath, taking off my upper clothes, the bath water was dyed in red and I could see the upper body of the hallucination woman floating in the bath, her eyes wide opened.

[…Tsk. Red water huh. Red rust must have gotten stuck somewhere in the cast-iron pipes used for plumbing. It can’t be helped, I guess I’ll just take a shower today.]

Well, the red water should be settled soon if I just leave the faucet running, and it isn’t really harmful to your body… Unnn, the water in the shower is clear.

Deciding to check, I uncorked the bathtub and dumped out the earlier hot water, and washed the accumulated laundry while I was at it.

“Eh … Hey, can’t you react a bit mo…… Kyaaaaaah! W- Why did you take off your bottoms without hesitation……!”

Not minding the dismayed hallucination that had been playing dead in the bathtub (she’s just a hallucination anyway), I put all the clothes I had taken off, along with the three days worth of laundry, into the drum-type washing machine and adding some detergent in it, I switched the machine on.

When I returned to the bathroom with my dick out in the open, I shower head first, satisfied that the bathtub is cleaned out of the dirty water, along with that hallucination woman.

[Well~~♪ It really feels great when all the filth has been settled. It makes me feel refreshed~~.]

Humming lightly to myself, I said to myself.

“Eh⁉ Don’t tell me, I’m also included in that filth that has been settled…?”

Out of nowhere, the shocked voice of the auditory hallucination is… No, I’m not hearing anything. Bathing time is the time for me to relax, and I won’t be able to relax if I focus my mind on boring things.

And so, I didn’t bother caring about it and showered to my heart’s content.

[———-And after the bath, a nice cold cup of barley tea.]

Wearing only a towel wrapped around my waist, I drank barley tea from a PET bottle I took out of the refrigerator.

Pfuaa~~, I just chugged half of it down in one gulp.

“You stink like an old man…… Kyaaaahhhh!”

I thought I heard a voice dissing me from somewhere, but this is my private space to relax. Not minding the voice, I threw the towel to the side and started preparing my change of clothes.

Thereupon, changing into my high school jersey, which doubles as my loungewear and pajamas, and while playing with my phone in a relaxed posture and waiting for the laundry to dry, it occurred to me to search for a replacement patterned shirt for my worn-out jersey.

[———-Hmmm. Buying cheap stuff is good and all, but stuff being that cheap really stinks like suspicious landmines. A single brand name shirt…… Uwaahhh, and it’s one digit off the zero mark! Wait, Arm*ni actually sells stuff other than suits!?]

I thought that place was a high-end suits store, but it’s just a clothing store that sells everything!

As I’m feeling astonished about the truth I just found out, I received the usual phone call from Mary-san.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I’m just lying on my bed at the inn in town, waiting for dinner to be ready……”

[No, you went and became an Adventurer, so go on an adventure.]

“No need to tell me. During the day, I received a Quest from the Adventurer’s Guild and went on an adventure……”

I could somehow picture the vexed Mary’s lips pouting at me.

[Ahh, sorry, sorry. ———-So, what and how many did you kill?]

“Asking what I fought and killed at that as if it were a matter of course, I feel like Mary-san is being a bit prejudiced……”

I could visualize Mary’s expression on the other end of the call, turning even more sullen.

Now that you mentioned it, there were Quests other than Subjugation Quests, such as Gathering Quests and Errand Quests. Or rather, if you normally think about it, there’s no way people would just live their lives felling monsters all year round.

[Now that you mentioned, I see. Since it’s Mary-san, I thought you wouldn’t be able to sleep well without raining blood at least once a day. Sorry, sorry]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Even though you were apologizing, it feels more like you’re still sinking more on this……”

[When you think of how it usually was, are you doing the common Medicinal Herb Gathering Quest? Don’t tell me, you thought those Quests were troublesome and attacked other newbie Adventurer from behind and robbed them?]

“And you made sure to double tap that gun……!!!?”

[Come to think of it, Mary-san, how’s your situation there like? Change of clothes and stuff, I mean.]

“And you just changed the subject as if nothing had happened……!?”

Well, I was surprised about the gap between Mary-san’s perception and mine.

I mean, from the anecdotes of Mary-san’s travels, I think her default answer to most things is to stab them in the back. Well, that’s what I was thinking, but since Mary-san herself seems to have forgotten her own setting and even her own goals, and deciding that I shouldn’t poorly ruffle the bushes and dispel her grudges…… having her drop that initial setting of hers, I need to engage conversation with her and distract her thoughts.

At that moment, I decided to confirm something with Mary-san about something that occurred from what she said earlier.

[Ah, speaking of which, did you encounter that event? You know, when you received a Quest at the counter of the Adventurer’s Guild, you get told, “Oi, oi, a brat like this is an adventurer?　You’ve got to be kidding!” or “As your Senpai, I’ll teach you how things work here in the Adventurer’s Guild”.]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Right, I certainly did face similar harassment……”

[However, that doesn’t mean you can just kill them on the spot———–]

“Like I said, don’t talk as if I’m some random slasher who indiscriminately kills people! I know that much ……!”

Oops, no good, I certainly shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t just leak my true thoughts away.

“I settled the situation in a peaceful manner. First, I tracked down the house they were sharing……”

And then stab them while in the dark!?

“To be more specific, while they were out of town, I would stand at their doorstep and let out crocodile tears, crying out “The uncles here…… hikk, hikk …… forced themselves on me…..” and spread the rumor that they are pedos with a very low strike zone to the neighbors and people on the street……”

It’s a demon! She went and burdened them with a cross even worse than being killed!!!

“For the time being, I’m planning on continuing this for two or three days……”

Those are extremely harsh crocodile tears……

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. And so, the Quest I did was just a normal Errand Quest to deliver a Correspondence Course Textbook to the client……”

[Correspondence Course?]

“Yes. A Secret Text named 【Swordsmanship Skills and Secrets that even Monkeys can Learn】……”

[Isn’t that very useful for combat!?]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Reading Secret Texts allows you to learn Skills on the spot, and most of the Warriors and Mages are helped by them, so they were recommended by the teller in the Adventurer’s Guild……”

Incidentally, one with a Basic Swordsmanship Skill apparently costs 50,000 AC.

After acquiring that, you would need 100,000 AC for an Intermediate-level one.

Then, 500,000 AC for Advanced level one.

After all that, the Secret Texts, as well as the License for Full Mastery costs 1,000,000, bringing it to a total of 1.65 million AC.

“It seems that you can get that License for a lot cheaper by going through a 6-day, 5-night training camp, but that’s troublesome, so Mary-san also learned the Swordsmanship Skill through a Correspondence Course. Moreover, I even got a great deal when they gave me the <Magic that makes Milk come out of your Palm> Skill as an added bonus……!”

Is that really a good deal though? That really sounds like it’s just a party trick to me.

I mean, if you’re gonna pay for a Skill, it would have been better if she got something she could easily use while her levels on the single digits, something like BLE*CH’s Bankai.

[……This means the current Mary-san can use Swordsmanship Skills and Magic huh.]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. That’s right. With this, I’m a “Hero” in both name and reality……”

A Kitchen-wielding Hero who can only use milk-making magic from her palm and sword techniques she learned from a Correspondence Course.

Meanwhile, here’s me who just can’t agree with what she said, as I could only picture an impossibly demonic amalgamation in my mind.

Thinking she just spent 1.65 million AC on something pointless……

[Well, I guess we’ll just have to chalk it up as a necessary expense.]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. That’s right. You don’t have any right to criticize what I do with my hard-earned money……!”

She’s still insisting that those dark dealings she made were counted as work huh……

[……Well, money isn’t infinite, so it would be best if you don’t squander from now on———-]

“………………….”

[……Oi.]

“………………….”

[Oi, wait a moment!” Don’t tell me———-]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san.. I’ve been wondering about this for a while, but the surname “Takanashi (小鳥遊)” means “little birds playing” → “no natural enemies” → “no hawks (Taka ga inai)”, so that’s why it became “Takanashi”, which makes sense, but I think the surname that can be read the same way, “Takanashi(少女遊), doesn’t make sense. That would mean that there used to be a humongous hawk that attacked a village filled with girls, just like Airantou……”

[It’s Mary-san who doesn’t make sense! I mean, stop trying to dodge the question around and tell the truth!]

“I- I bought some change of clothes and equipment……”

Guh…… The matter I’ve been worried about was the answer huh. However, change of clothes and equipment certainly are important when going out on adventures. I don’t think this is something I can blame her for using her money on. After all, she had been dressed like a kindergartener until now.

[……Well, it can’t be helped. So where and what kind of clothes did you buy? Did UN*QLO also found its way in that world?]

Following the pattern of her past setting, I assumed so and asked.

“———Pfft……!”

This brat just laughed at me!

“Your thoughts are foolish. In what world are there adventurers who go on adventures wearing UN*QLO outfits? I mean, there isn’t even a UN*QLO in this town! There’s only a supermarket, a 〇sen, Onoya Ramen, and Maruto Drugstore. Heck, the very idea of that happening is crazy————“

The moment after Mary-san called me “foolish,” my mind went blank and before I knew it, I had subconsciously disconnected the call on my phone.

I take a deep breath, suppressing the urge to start running and strange noises.

Calm down …… the other guy is an idiot. She’s a stupid child who easily gets carried away.

I guess it’s this cityfolk who should cope and act like an adult here. Also, not that it matters, but is the place Mary-san is located now really a different world? For various retail chains to develop their name there, making me feel like she’s just somewhere like Gunma prefecture……

Just as I had composed myself, almost without a pause, Mary-san called me back.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Don’t suddenly hang up! I was so surprised……”

[Yeah, my bad. I just needed some time to regain my pride as a human being and to calm my irrational anger.]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I don’t really know what’s going on, but it’s not good to accumulate stress……”

The source of my stress is trying to say something with a self-satisfied look (quite overtly at that) on her face.

[She’s right.]

Nodding with phone in hand, I said to myself while covering the microphone with my hand.

I need to reflect on this. I learned that if I’m locked in a frontal fight against Mary-san and throw my tsukkomis, I would only wear myself out. If that’s the case, I just need to respond with a “Yeah, yeah” to Mary’s boke and just appropriately ward her off.

[————-So, you bought some equipment?]

“That’s right. The kind Merchant-san from yesterday told me about this store……”

Ah, that shady merchant fellow.

[……It’s probably not gonna be a legitimate merchant.]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. That isn’t the case. He is the owner of <Lip Service>, a big business that deals in everything, and he is also known as a philanthropist who enjoys charitable deeds. In fact, the survivors of the fallen Ikama Village are all working at this store to pay their debts……”

Ikama Village, which had lost almost all of its working men to a gang of bandits, eventually had no choice but to abandon their village. The survivors, who also had no significant assets, were fully backed up by this establishment when they went to work in the town.

[Heehhh…… So there actually are some decent people in that world.]

“And so, I felt at ease and decided to choose protective gear first……”

Incidentally, a quick look at the products that were on display———–

・Leather armor (General Use) – 50,000 AC

・Chain armor (General Use) – 130,000 AC

・Iron Armor (General Use) – 270,000 AC

・Knight armor (General Use) – 340,000 AC

・Mage’s Armor (Attribute Magic Added) – 550,000 AC

・Halo Armor (Heroes and Champions Exclusive) – 230,000 AC

[———Arehh? They’re surprisingly normal……]

I had expected that there would be a punchline somewhere here, but I was surprised to find a more normal selection than I had expected.

It seems like it really was a decent merchant store.

However, the sense of relief I felt was short-lived……

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. So, what I bought was the <Annihilation-Type Mobile Heavy Armor>. By the way, even though it’s a weapon of mass destruction whose possession is officially forbidden……”

[Why the heck are they selling something like that!?]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I’m not really sure either, but when I showed him the card given to me by Merchant-san from yesterday, saying “You’re also a human of the organization huh. Kukuku……”, he gave me an unconditional tour of the “secret store” hidden in their basement……”

Ahh, I knew he would have deep connections with yesterday’s merchant.

“Come to think of it, the former villagers of Ikama Village were also forced to work underground. To pay off their debts, they were first made to play rock-paper-scissors, where one of their lungs are taken if they lost, and then they were made to cross a steel beam or play card games……”

Where the heck is the philanthropist in that? Isn’t his hidden side as pitch black as that guy in Gambling Apocalypse!?

I really want to smack with a tsukkomi, but I endured this with the heart of a Buddha.

[And so, Mary-san bought that guy’s <Annihilation-Type Mobile Heavy Armor.]

“That’s right. I think I made a pretty good purchase……”

[Hmmm……]

“The fact that its whole body has a white base really suits Mary-san, don’t you think……?”

[Maybe.]

“Despite that, it has this imposingness, like its horns……”

[Mhmm.]

“It also transforms and has great armament. It has a beam rifle for long-range attacks and a beam saber for short-range attacks……”

[H- Heehhh……]

“The only drawback is that it’s 18 meters tall. There’s no room to put it in the room, so I have to leave it out in the open……”

[Why don’t you rent a parking space?]

“And I heard it gets out of control sometimes……’

[……………..]

“Also, that one that really looks like a unicorn g*ndam is just a bit…… I wonder if I should have gotten that one with the weird beard-like body next to it……?”

[I’ve known from the start that you’re trying to pull my leg here, you d*mn brat!!!]

“I thought you would just ward those off……?”

As soon as I couldn’t stand it anymore and yelled back to the phone, a tsukkomi came out of nowhere, but this is just something I can’t shut my eyes off anymore.

I can forgive it if she’s just simply trying to act like the boke, but like hell I will overlook a knowingly lame attempt like that!

In addition, Mary-san’s current status is as follows———–

Mary-san   Decapitation Doll (♀)   Lv 7

Class: Hero

HP: 12

MP: 31

""

SP: 11

STR: 8

INT: 1

END: 9

MND: 13

AGI: 9

LCK: -29

Abilities:

Spiritual World Communication

Unlimited Kitchen Knives – <Sashimi Knife, Carving Knife, Noodle Knife>

Attack Resistance 1

Stat Ailment Resistance 1

Swordsmanship 5 【※Maximum Correction Applied when holding an Edged Tool】

Milk Magic 1【※Bring out Milk from Palm or Nose. 1L / 1MP】

Equipment:

Embroidered Taffeta Dress (Children’s Formal Wear)

Bolero (Red)

High Socks with Laces (White)

Loafers

Kinchaku Bag (Dark Blue)

Annihilation-Type Mobile Heavy Armor

Neko-san Pajamas

Licenses:

License for Full Mastery of 1st-10th Class Destruction-style Swordsmanship (Correspondence Course)

【※If the opponent is weakened, attack increases by 1.5 times. Moreover, when unleashing Octopus Punches against a large number of people, attack increase by 3 times.】

Blessing: – Blessing of ●纊aU●God:【纊aUヲgウユBニnォbj2)M悁EjSx岻`k)WヲマRフ0_M)ーWソ醢カa坥ミフ}イウナFマ】

(T/N: The octopus punch here isn’t that “taco punch” which is the first search result on google, but that whirlwind-like punch that was like the ultimate attack of kids, flailing around their arms and hopefully hitting the enemy.)

You’re keeping a steady upward progress, oi! Rather……

[That Annihilation-Type Mobile Heavy Armor is too conspicuous! Throw that away, it’s useless! Get rid of it now!!!]

Putting aside her kitchen knives, if I let Mary-san carry such a thing, I’m not joking here, it would seriously be the end of the world.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Even though I explicitly bought it for 298,000 AC, I don’t think it’s a good idea to throw away something I have never even used yet. Besides, the disposal of bulky rubbish costs a lot……”

[Just put a piece of paper on it that says “recyclable waste” and leave it at the dump!]

“No, as expected, doing things like that won’t work……”

The auditory hallucinations have been throwing tsukkomis for a while now, but of course, I ignore them.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. The innkeeper called already, saying the dinner is ready, so I’ll go have my dinner……”

[Ah, wait right there!]

“………………….”

[D*mn it, she cut the call off. Seriously, she just keeps going at her pace and doesn’t listen to others at all.]

“I don’t really think that’s something you can say……”

For a mere auditory hallucination, this guy sure is rude.

Anyway, well, it’s Mary-san. She will probably forget that she bought a mobile weapon by tomorrow.

I decided to stabilize my own mentality by believing that.