Only Villains Do That

There were goblins in my kitchen.

At least the kitchen was clean, as per my parting orders to the gang. Actually it looked rather nice, with the garbage and general filth (and skittering crawns) gone and everything organized, but I spared all of that no more than a glance and a passing breath of relief that at least the previous disaster of a kitchen had not been the first sight to greet my first guests. Mostly, I was concerned with the goblins.

“There he is!” I was greeted effusively by a little green man roughly a meter tall, who hopped down from the chair upon which he’d been perched to spread his arms and grin up at me in welcome. “The famous Lord Seiji himself! Soon as I heard North Watch was under new management I had to come check out out for myself. And I gotta say, I like what you’re doin’ already! Damn, this place cleans up nicer than I woulda thought.”

“I’m glad it’s to your liking,” I said slowly, stalling with pleasantries while I took in the scene and considered what to do about this. The speaker was one of four goblins: in addition to himself, he’d brought two other men, both carrying heavy cudgels, and a woman. Just at a glance, I had to acknowledge that Donon had had a point. About how they didn’t at all resemble children, not…the rest of it. The proportions were…actually I couldn’t quite put my finger on the details, besides noting that they weren’t childlike and weren’t exactly just shrunk-down green humans, but after my experience that morning with the noble kids I wasn’t about to openly gawk again while trying to puzzle it out. I could sort it later, if I decided it mattered. “Obviously we have a lot of work yet to do, but it’s a start. To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure, Mr…?”

“Maugro’s the name,” he said with outgoing good cheer, already reminding me of an aggressive salesman. “And this here’s my girl, Mindzi. Don’t mind the muscle, they’re just along on general policy.”

“Happy to meet you, Lord Seiji,” the girl said, winking. “I already like you a lot better than the last guy.” This was accompanied by a flirtatious little wiggling motion of her whole body; our relative statures made it easier for her to look coyly up at me through her thick lashes, and she leaned forward to facilitate me looking down her dress. The look Maugro gave me at the same time was just a little too acute and overtly sly.

Oho. So apparently Donon’s little obsession wasn’t that unheard of, if Maugro thought it worth the effort of bringing along goblin eye candy to dangle in front of me. That being the case, Donon getting chased out of polite society for it seemed excessive…but then, yeah, that was pretty much how the juxtaposition of polite society and harmless kinks ended up.

I could…sort of see it? The goblins were cute, in a way—all of them, even the sleazy salesman type I was dealing with and the two over by the tunnel trying to look intimidating. Mindzi was noticeably woman-shaped and dressed to accentuate it. They were small, which made their oversize pointed ears even more amusing. With surprisingly dainty features (men and women alike) and wiry black hair which all four, including the muscle, had clearly taken pains to style carefully, I had to conclude that goblins in general weren’t unattractive, so long as their mouths were closed so I couldn’t see those frightening teeth. Mentally I upgraded Donon from “isekai sex freak” to “guy with a type,” though I personally wasn’t about to spring for the bait being offered. Even if I wasn’t still too preoccupied with survival and world domination (and seething fury that my survival required world domination) to be in the mood for girl chasing, I’m not dense enough to miss a honey trap that blatant.

“Pleased to meet you both,” I replied, pulling out a chair and positioning it to face the one Maugro had commandeered, alongside the table rather than across it. “And not to worry; I won’t object to your muscle if you have no problem with mine.” Apparently this spectacle was way better than cleaning, to judge by the way my bandits were now clustering in the doorway, spilling into the kitchen or rubbernecking over the shoulders of those in front. “I am terribly sorry about the accommodations, Maugro; I’ve only just inherited this fortress and barely made a start at sprucing it up. We suffer an embarrassing lack of goblin-sized amenities, which I will do my best to rectify before your next visit. In the meantime, please make yourself as comfortable as you can.”

“Well.” Maugro’s eyebrows shot up, and Mindzi’s coquettish smile faded into a much more believable expression of bemusement. “I ain’t one to quibble over the niceties, Lord Seiji, so let’s just say it’s the thought that counts! I think you might be the first tallboy I’ve met who’s even had the thought.”

“Yes, this country does seem to suffer from a general lack of civilization, I’ve noticed. If you lot are all going to loiter around, make yourselves useful,” I added over my shoulder to the scrum in the doorway while Maugro clambered back up into the chair he’d previously occupied, Mindzi sticking close by him. “Donon, break out some refreshments for our guests.”

“Re…freshments, Lord Seiji?”

“Something to eat,” I said patiently, “and a bottle of our least shitty wine.”

“Uh, sure! Right away, Lord Seiji.”

“We’re feeding the goblins now?” a familiar voice muttered from within the throng. “They probably stole half the place while Goose wasn’t watching ‘em, anyway…”

“Goose,” I said aloud without turning back around, “please explain the importance of hospitality to Kasser.”

There came two sharp whacks, a yelp from Kasser and a general scuffle from the vicinity of the doorway, to the intense amusement of my visitors.

“Thank you, Goose.”

“My pleasure, Lord Seiji.”

“Sorry about that,” I said to Maugro. “They aren’t all fully housebroken yet.”

“Believe me when I say you’ve got nothing to apologize for, Lord Seiji,” the goblin replied, grinning broadly. Man, that was unsettling. They seemed to have about half as many teeth as humans, each twice as wide at the base, longer, perfectly triangular, and slightly uneven in arrangement. It was like being smiled at by a little green shark. I had to agree with Aster on the subject of sticking things in there.

Donon arrived with…a single un-cut loaf of bread, which he set right on the table between us with no utensils. Oh, well, at least the table was clean now. He also had a bottle of something, along with three cups—also clean; I double-checked.

“Hi, Mindzi,” he said bashfully, standing there twisting the bottle in his hands.

She did a little double-take, then squinted up at him. “Do I know you?”

“Thank you, Donon,” I said pointedly, taking the bottle.

“Oh, uh, sure, m’lord, I…”

Then Aster was there, taking him by the arm and dragging him gently but inexorably back toward the others in the doorway.

“So,” I said, pouring wine, “I believe you were about to reveal the reason for your visit.” Coming right to the point like that might not be good manners (at least where I’m from), but it had been a very long day already.

“Right you are!” Maugro said, accepting a cup and tilting it toward me in acknowledgment. “Y’might say I’m your neighbor, Lord Seiji. My place is just down the hall, so to speak.” He waved at the broken wall with the dark tunnel beyond, currently flanked by his two pint sized bruisers. “More relevant to your interests, I’m in the information business. Whatever you might need to know, or need someone else not to, Maugro’s your guy. Since my established relationship with the late, unlamented Rocco was the main thing keeping this whole operation in business, clearly it’s a priority for us both to check in and lay out exactly where we stand. Gotta stay solvent, Dark Lord or not!”

He gave me a particularly canny look, emphasized by the fact that his eyes were a vivid crimson. So were Mindzi’s, I noticed. I also noticed that apparently my followers lacked the basic sense not to flap their yaps in front of miscellaneous goblins. Which, sadly, did not come as a surprise. Oh, well, it wasn’t like I’d done much better in the subtlety department so far.

“I see,” I said aloud. “Well, then, I’m very glad you did. Perhaps you can help lay out for me just how Rocco’s operation worked.” I took a sip from my cup, then had to pause and swallow laboriously. The flavor was…unfamiliar. Reminiscent of the jam I’d had on my bread that morning, which left me unsure if the local wine was supposed to be this sour. “Donon, I did request the least shitty vintage on offer, did I not?”

“That’s what I got you, Lord Seiji!” he protested. “I mean, unless Rocco had something better hoarded away in his room.”

“We haven’t even tried to clean in there,” Sakin added. “Seemed risky to poke about in your personal areas, Lord Seiji. And in Donon’s defense, this isn’t exactly a Lannitour teahouse we’re running here.”

“Hey, we’ve got no complaints about the hospitality,” Mindzi said sweetly, giving me a long, lingering look over the rim of her cup as she took a deep sip. Between her antics and Maugro’s over-the-top sly attitude, I was getting the impression goblins didn’t go in for subtlety as a rule.

“If you don’t mind my asking,” I said, “how does an information broker stay in business out here in the boonies? It was my impression North Watch was a stone’s throw from the edge of the island.”

“As the scraw flies, sure,” Maugro replied. “The actual land route to the old bridge is the only passage through the mountains, and that’s a good couple limns long. But I take your point, Lord Seiji. See, despite what they’d like to think, the elves aren’t the only people who matter on Dount, and their city-dwelling subjects aren’t even the only humans whose business is worth considering.” He winked. “Trust me, the area around North Watch is fertile ground for tunnel-grubbers like us. Ah, but I understand how you’d feel otherwise, as much as humans hate going underground.”

They do? It must be cultural, I decided, remembering what Biribo had said about digging being taboo. Not unreasonable, if you lived on a floating island, but I made a mental note of it. There had to be a way for me to exploit that.

More to the point, it sounded like Maugro was the go-to intel guy for, among other things, whatever bandit gangs operated in the wilderness. He continued his account, solidifying that impression.

“So, your ol’ pal Rocco carved out a real particular niche among Dount’s bandit gangs, one that relied heavily on my services. Rather than try his luck with road traffic like the less creative gangs, he played it safe. Laid traps with no risk of combat or personal injury, and lured adventurers into ‘em.”

“Adventurers, specifically?” I risked a sidelong glance at Aster. Her expression had gone hard, but she didn’t seem about to intervene.

“Adventurers have good shit,” Maugro said, grinning. “Artifacts, quality gear, frequently a sizable amount of on-hand cash, usually some alchemicals. Most gangs give ‘em a wide berth, cos most bandits ain’t equipped to tangle with Blessed.”

“Hence the traps.”

“Exactly! So my role in this was to notify Rocco when adventuring parties were being hired to clear out bandits, which happens from time to time because Dount has a constant bandit problem, and then arrange for a team to be given a tip directing them into one of his traps. And that,” he added with a more serious expression, pointing at me for emphasis, “is a service Maugro does not provide, just so’s we’re clear. I’m an info man—what you hear from Maugro’s own lips is the goddess’s own unvarnished, stake-your-life-on-it truth. I can’t be caught spreading lies or it’ll ruin my business, see? But, for a reasonable middleman’s fee, I am willing to put the likes of Rocco in contact with people in the city who do that kinda work, and even rent out my employees to discreetly convey messages between him and them. Likewise, at the other end of the caper, in acknowledgment that artifacts are distinctive and carrying stolen ones to and from Gwyllthean is a serious risk, I am willing to handle discreet and secure package delivery and arrangement-making between Rocco and the few fences in the area who’ll deal in that kinda trade.”

“I’m beginning to see what you meant by Rocco relying heavily on your services.”

“Too right, he did!” the goblin winked.

“That’s quite a bit of middle-manning in there. Sounds like a lot of any profit this gang made flowed right into your pockets, Maugro.”

“Well, now, you probably know the state of Rocco’s personal finances better than I would,” he demurred, spreading his hands (sloshing his wine) and putting on an obviously fake expression of modesty. “But, yeah, I got my own overhead to consider. I’m the best info guy on Dount, Lord Seiji, and that’s a straightforward fact of life. You wanna do subtle business on this island outside Gwyllthean? You’re gonna need what nobody but me is selling. I’ll admit I didn’t set out to diversify quite so much, y’know? Carrying messages and cargo, making introductions, it’s another layer of confusion in my organization. I gotta hire on more warm bodies for those tasks, and make sure they’re properly vetted—and believe me, that ain’t a short or simple process, being that there’s nothing more important than trust in my business.”

“Oh, of course. That makes perfect sense. Say, Maugro, I wonder if you might enlighten me on a couple of points. How long had Rocco been running this grift, and about how often did he go out…trapping, so to speak?”

“Now, Lord Seiji, you’re asking me for intel. I do sell this stuff, y’know.” He put on a big grin and a teasing tone. “But, since you’re easily the most well-mannered gentleman I’ve had to deal with, I’m willing to throw you in a freebie or two in the interests of fostering amity.”

“About things I could just ask them, anyway?” I retorted, cocking a thumb at the bandits watching from the doorway.

The goblin burst out laughing, slapping his knee and almost sloshing his wine again. “I knew there was a reason I liked you! But yeah, like I said, Rocco was in a niche. By my reckoning he’d been at it no more’n two years, taking in a mark, say, every month or so for the most part.”

It occurred to me that that might be less helpful than I’d hoped, given that I didn’t even know how long years or months were on this planet. Putting that aside, I leaned forward and set my own wine on the table, barely touched. Disgusting stuff.

“That’s my concern, you see. It’s a fairly clever gambit, but it seems to me like the kind of thing that can only work a finite number of times before someone with real power catches on and does something about it. Not to mention that so much relying on nested layers of middlemen and outside contractors is both a security risk and a massive profit sink.”

“Now, as for security,” he held up one green hand, his expression going serious, “I’m not bullshitting out about how important my operational security is. My people are carefully hand-picked, and when I’m paid to keep a secret, it stays kept.”

“You’re quite right, though, Lord Seiji,” Sakin interjected in a smooth tone. “I wouldn’t exactly call Rocco’s operation profitable. He kept us fed and equipped, more or less, and the extra bit he skimmed for himself as leader was never egregious enough to make anybody feel rebellious.”

True, I hadn’t found so much as a single coin in Rocco’s former quarters, though admittedly I hadn’t torn the place up as thoroughly as might be needed to uncover a bandit boss’s secret stash.

“Artifacts are a high-value commodity, and that was most of his income,” Maugro agreed, “but the legitimate sale of artifacts is rare and that was not the business he was in, which means there’s inherently a lot of middlemen and overhead in the trade. Doing it long-distance the way Rocco did removed basically all the personal risk to him, but also cut deep into his profit margins.”

“How many bandit gangs are operating on Dount?” I asked.

“Oh,” Maugro smiled vaguely, swirling his cup, “a few.”

“Ah. So, when you mentioned keeping secrets for a price…”

“That’s all part of the standard Maugro package,” he said, grinning again. “Everybody who needs info—which is everybody—comes to Maugro. And Maugro is only too willing to guarantee his clients’ privacy, for a nominal service fee.”

The canny little bastard had discovered the ultimate protection racket; he didn’t even need to use his own muscle. Just keep the location and composition of a bandit gang secret from all the other bandit gangs, and if one didn’t pay up, they were sitting ducks for every other gang on the island.

“I was also told that Rocco paid off the local catfolk tribe to be left alone. Your doing, as well?”

The goblin grimaced, which was a rather unsettling sight. “Ah, now, I’m afraid you caught me in a weak point there, Lord Seiji. I’ve got tenuous relations with a few of the beast tribes on Dount, but beastfolk in general ain’t any more kindly disposed toward goblins than humans are. The local cats are part of the rule, not the exceptions. Couldn’t tell you what arrangements Rocco had with them.”

Hm. I leaned back in my chair, considering what this revealed about the racial tensions present here. Obviously, I’d been told the beastfolk lived apart from humans and elves, but I was getting the impression goblins weren’t well-liked anywhere. On Earth I’d assume they were just an ethnic minority getting treated the way those usually do, but could I afford to make assumptions like that on Ephemera? These were clearly a different species. Did they fundamentally think the same way humans did…?

Maugro, apparently misinterpreting my silence, hastened to add, “I don’t think you got much to worry about from the kitties, Lord Seiji. Once they don’t get their regular payment of whatever, they’ll probably come asking after it. And hell, lemme throw some business your way: if you can put me in communication with the tribe, I’m willing to pay a handsome middleman’s fee, assuming I can wrangle and actual working relationship out of it.”

“Oh? Are the cat people really that valuable?”

“To me? Everybody’s valuable! I deal in connections, see? Everybody I can dialog with is a feather in my cap and a coin in my purse, and anybody who won’t talk to me’s like an itch on my back right where I can’t scratch it. But to you, I’d say they’re even more valuable. The catfolk and Rocco paying ‘em off are a main reason nobody’s tried to contest ownership of this very convenient wilderness fortress. You’re smack dab in their territory, and fighting beastfolk in the khora forest is a damn nightmare and no mistake.”

“Surprising that they haven’t tried to seize North Watch for themselves.”

“They have. Twice, in the last century. First time the local lizardfolk tribe ran ‘em out—on behalf of the naga, on behalf of the dark elves. Second time Fflyr Dlemathlys sent a battalion to do it. Bandits’re one thing; the kingdom doesn’t have the standing forces to throw around for piddly business like that, and as long as you’re preying on humans and not their interests, the dark elves don’t care. But both sides benefit from having the khora forest full of feuding beast tribes between ‘em. Situation gets more complicated than either one likes it, if one of those tribes suddenly has a fortified position.”

“Why, Maugro, how positively magnanimous of you,” I said, smiling. “All this free information!”

He cackled, slapping his leg again. “Hey, even I ain’t shameless enough to charge for basic history! I can see you’re new in this part of the world; it’s to my benefit to help you get caught up on how things work, if we’re gonna be in business together. Speaking of which!”

“Yes, that was the reason for your visit, wasn’t it?”

“And that brings us to the big question!” Setting his cup down on the table, he planted both hands on his knees and leaned forward, putting on an expectant expression. “What’s the plan, Lord Seiji? Gonna pick up where Rocco left off?”

This had to be handled carefully. I wished it wasn’t coming at the end of an exhausting day, but I was still fairly confident I knew what to do here.

“No, I think not. I have much grander ambitions.”

“Well, naturally,” Maugro said with a wink. “Can’t expect the Dark Lord to just sit in his fortress, content with the easy pickings.”

I smiled, thinly. “To begin with, obviously I wish to continue with the arrangement ensuring your discretion.”

“Yeah, I kinda assumed that one.” His answering smile was just a shade too smug for an amicable negotiation, but I chose to let that pass. Mostly because he had me over a barrel on that one; word getting out about the Dark Lord at this stage would be almost as disastrous as all the other bandit gangs on Dount being informed of a dinky little eight-person outfit occupying the most desirable real estate on the island.

“As for the rest…no more picking on adventurers.” I glanced again at Aster, whose expression was now unreadable. “Instead… Well, there is the matter of target selection. And for that, Maugro, I’m going to have to rely on your services.”

The goblin spread his hands magnanimously, Mindzi grinning over his shoulder. “That’s what I’m here for! What’ll it be, Lord Seiji?”

I hesitated, attempting to think ahead as quickly as I could without glossing over important details.

“In addition…I may soon need to significantly expand the amount of business we give you with regard to the planting of false information. I’m willing to continue relying on your middleman services, since I know you’re not up for doing that in person. But that’s a future stage of my plans; for now, I just need some more mundane intel.”

“Music to my ears,” he said, and both of said ears noticeably wiggled, twice. Huh. Didn’t realize they could do that.

In truth, I had absolutely no use for such services, but I could undoubtedly think of one. Now that it had come up, I realized spreading lies was too useful a tool in a Dark Lord’s arsenal for me not to find a use for it. I was mostly thinking that, right at this moment, my own plans would involve cutting off most of the services the North Watch gang received from Maugro—which would be a financial hit to him, since Rocco’s general laziness and cowardice meant most of the profits from this gang’s activities had gone right into the goblin’s pockets. An information broker could screw me over harder than almost anyone if I got on his bad side. Thus, I needed at least the prospect of more business to dangle in front of him to avoid him turning on me.

“In the immediate term,” I continued carefully, hoping against hope that Donon and Aster would have the sense to keep their goddamn mouths shut, “I am in a…somewhat precarious situation. To start out on my next venture, I’m going to have to ask you to extend me a tip on credit.”

Maugro leaned back, sucking in a long breath through his teeth; Mindzi openly winced. “Now, that’s tricky, Lord Seiji. Don’t get me wrong, I like you. Hell, you might just be my favorite human outta all my business contacts after just one conversation—and I mean that sincerely. Maugro’s word is his bond, and everyone knows it. But there’s liking, and then there’s business, and in business, extending credit to somebody you barely know… Well, it ain’t a winning move, see?”

Of course, I could have just paid him. But after my disastrous performance in Gwyllthean over the last two days, I was determined above all else to start being careful. I was lucky so far in that my impulsive actions had won Aster and Gilder to my side, both of whom had already proved valuable. But that had been pure luck, with a terrifyingly close brush with gruesome fates on the other side of that coin. I’d been stumbling from one thing to the next, acting on impulse, and by my estimate I had exactly no more time in which to get away with that before the law of averages brutally caught up with me.

That meant thinking as far ahead as I could, laying my plans with care, and deliberately considering the repercussions of any action I took. This, to put it mildly, was an unaccustomed mode of thought, for me. But I’d already spotted one pitfall just waiting to be stepped in: if an information broker of all people learned that Lord Seiji suddenly turned up with a lot of liquid assets after having been in Gwyllthean at the exact time a fortune in yakuza money went missing, that was going to bite me on the ass hard somewhere down the line. For now, I needed him to think I was cash poor.

“And that’s why I’m asking for credit,” I said, “not a favor. I don’t think we’re quite there in our relationship yet, are we? Credit means interest paid, which I figured you’d like. Let’s be real, Maugro: this is a no-risk proposition for you. If my next plan works, you get paid—and with interest for the loan on top of your nominal fee for services rendered. If it doesn’t, then the location of Lord Seiji’s sparsely-defended castle goes on the market, and you get paid anyway. There’s no way for you to lose.”

There was also no way for me to lose. If my next plan didn’t go the way I hoped, when Maugro came for his money I’d just hand it over, and come up with a story explaining how I got it; by that time it wouldn’t be immediately obvious when and where that had been.

“Hmm.” Maugro leaned back, folding his hands at his waist and regarding me through half-lidded eyes for a long moment. “You know how to be charming when you want to, Lord Seiji. But we’re businessmen, here, and we both know the value of charm, and its limits. Much more important is whether you’re right.” After considering me during another loaded pause, he suddenly grinned. “And y’know what? You make a solid case. All right, let’s talk numbers.”