Only Villains Do That

Obviously, this was going to change our calculations for the next steps of our strategy, but first things first.

“Sorry about your, uh…central square, there,” I said moments later, when we reconvened back at the platform outside Gilnik’s place, addressing the pompadoured goblin in question.

“Hey, that wasn’t your doing,” he said, giving a very pointed stare to Get Fucked, who was lurking around the back of the group looking as downcast and depressed as anyone I’d ever seen. Almost as if he’d given up everything and thrown away his entire life to follow a messianic political figure who turned out to be a selfish conman who was callously using his followers. “We’ll straighten it out; most of the material should be salvageable. Considering what could’ve happened here if Hoy turned up in your absence, we got off light.”

I nodded, and drew in a breath. “Okay, that leaves the big matter at hand. Much as I was looking forward to taking a break, our timetable just got even less forgiving and we need to book it. What can we do to secure the Spirit here in case Hoy comes back?”

“Ugh, that’s a point,” Yoshi agreed, grimacing. “He was obviously goading us to move out in a hurry. He could be planning to circle around and corrupt it once we’re gone.”

Gilnik winced, glancing back at the doorway behind him, through which worried goblin faces were peeking. “I’ll be honest, we got nothin’. That’s why we were all glad to see the Judge turn up with you guys in tow. We ain’t fighters here, Lord Seiji, even less than most goblins. If we gotta deal with a Void witch or even a squad of armed troops coming after our stuff, our options are ‘let them have it’ and ‘die letting them have it.’”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” I murmured, frowning.

“Before you ask,” Zui piped up, “this is farther out than Miss Sneppit is willing to extend a security perimeter. She was talking about possibly moving her main force closer to Fallencourt like Jadrak did, but only if you and the Hero took care of Hoy and cleared the way.”

“Taking on Jadrak’s main army would be a lot easier with hers as backup,” Yoshi agreed, “but that doesn’t solve the immediate problem.”

“Biribo,” I said, “how durable are these Spirit altars, exactly?”

“Exactly?” he replied, swooping around in front of my face. “The answer to that is ‘yes,’ boss. Void corruption aside, they’re basically indestructible. If this planet ever finishes collapsing the Spirits will be left floating in space.”

“That’s a comforting image,” Flaethwyn muttered.

“I’m not sure I enjoy the direction this is taking,” said Gilnik.

“Then you’re ahead of me,” I said ruefully. “How hard would it be to collapse the Spirit’s cavern on top of it?”

Every goblin present cringed.

“Collapsing caverns is child’s play,” Gazmo answered me before Gilnik could. “It’s un-collapsing them afterward that’s challenging. Dunno if you’re aware of it, tallboy, but you just invoked one of our deepest cultural fears.”

“Yeah, I figured,” I said. “I’m sorry, but unless someone has a better idea, this is the only way to actually secure that Spirit against the Void.”

“To be clear, Lord Seiji,” Gilnik said in a tight voice, “you are asking me to destroy—”

“Nothing,” I interrupted. “I’m asking you to block access to the Spirit to anyone not willing to perform a lot of difficult, time-consuming, and precise labor to dig it out, which will effectively take it off the board for the duration of the civil war in Kzidnak and protect it from Void corruption. Look, Gilnik, in the next couple of days, one of two things is going to happen. If Jadrak wins, then you’ll have bigger problems and it won’t matter, because he’ll crack down on you lethally for daring to stand up to him. In that case, making him dig the Spirit out again before he can use it would be the last act of spite you’ll be able to inflict on him. The other possibility is that he goes down, and I will be the next big power around here. In that event, I will personally, as soon as I am able, send whatever resources, personnel, and funds are necessary to unearth the Spirit and get your business back up and running.”

He blinked, straightening up slightly. “You will?”

“I absolutely will,” I promised. “Judge Gazmo, how fast can you whip us up a contract?”

“For a simple promise like that? Half a minute. Fram, get on it.”

“Oh, sure, I see how it is,” she grumbled, already pulling materials out of her coat. Ink pencil, paper, and some sort of gadget that… Wait, was that a collapsible clipboard? Goblin ingenuity never disappointed. I was surprised that invention hadn’t spread to the Fflyr, it was a perfect fit for their culture as well. “How come I always gotta do the grunt work, huh?”

“Why the hell do you think I put up with all your bullshit?” Gazmo snorted.

“What, you mean it’s not for my sunny disposition and scintillating conversational skills?”

“Well,” Gilnik said slowly, “I do see the urgency. With the Dark Lord’s signature on paper… Yeah, in that case, we’ll get on it. Bringing down the Spirit’s chamber should be easy enough, just needs some basic tools.”

“And then you plan to be in charge of the goblins, Lord Seiji?” Pashilyn said, tilting her head and giving me a mildly inquisitive stare. “What, I wonder, do you plan to do with them afterward?”

“I’m glad you’re okay, Lady Pashilyn,” I said, smiling pleasantly. “You had me worried for a minute there. Thanks for that quick work with the Light Barrier, you really saved all our butts.”

Yoshi cleared his throat. “Before we cave in the Spirit’s home…is there a chance it could help us deal with Jadrak, like the last one? I don’t think anybody has mentioned to me exactly what this one does.”

“Well, uh…” Gilnik shrugged. “You interested in bein’ sent on a quest to vanquish a powerful enemy without resorting to force, in order to earn a masterwork tool for your chosen profession? Cos I can make that happen.”

Yoshi’s and my eyes met; he looked as intrigued as I felt.

“Boys,” Zui warned.

“Any enemy in particular?” he asked hopefully.

“We don’t have time for this!” Flaethwyn exclaimed.

“Spirit picks the enemy,” said Gilnik.

“Yeah, then we better table that idea for now,” I said ruefully.

“Non-violence isn’t exactly your strong suit, anyway,” Aster said, patting me on the back.

“More importantly, what are we going to do next?” Yoshi inquired, looking around at each of the group in turn. “If there’s even a chance what Hoy said was true… We may have to abandon the Spirits and go right for Jadrak. Every second he’s not dealt with, every goblin working for him is in danger of having their soul sacrificed.”

“Not to stifle your newfound sense of charity, boy, but every goblin under or near Jadrak’s been in mortal danger since all this brouhaha kicked off,” said Gazmo. “In fact, every goblin in Kzidnak, period, and while I obviously wanna minimize the bloodshed as much as possible, those on the side who started this get a lesser portion of my sympathy. You’re talkin’ about riding to the rescue of your enemies, here.”

Yoshi shook his head emphatically. “This goes beyond politics or enemies, Judge. No one deserves to have their soul eaten by a devil. If we can stop it, we have to.”

“I agree with the sentiment, as far as it goes,” I said, “but keep in mind that this idea is so far-fetched even our familiars said it’s only theoretically possible. Meanwhile, the original threat was Hoy going after the Spirits to corrupt them for more Void spells, which he is absolutely still planning to do. Especially given that his only possible motivation for telling us about this idea was to make us hare off after Jadrak and leave Hoy open to continue what he came here to do in the first place.”

“Ahem?” Radatina swooped into the center of the group and then darted back and forth in midair to be sure she had everyone’s attention. “The thing is, this is indeed far-fetched, but it is theoretically possible, and that raises the question of where Hoy even got the idea. It’s not something present in the commonly known lore about Void craft. The obvious answer is he and Jadrak were told about the possibility by their devil friend. Which makes it…somewhat more than just a possibility, I’m afraid.”

“Which makes that by far the bigger threat,” said Yoshi, nodding. “To say nothing of the immediate loss of life it would cause if Jadrak pulls that trigger.”

“But if we go after him,” I objected, “we’re giving Hoy free reign. The both of us with full backup are barely enough to fight him to a draw as it is. If he manages to get to one more Spirit and gain more Void powers, let alone several, he’ll hit us from behind while we’re trying to deal with Jadrak and there’ll be even less chance we can take him.”

Yoshi’s expression was growing more stubborn by the second. “It’s not that you’re wrong, Omura. But… The stakes. To abandon people we could actually help isn’t wisdom, it’s just laziness.”

“Hm,” I grunted, surprised. “That was actually pretty profound.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s from an anime, isn’t it?”

He scowled. “No, it’s not from an anime.”

“Ah, of course, of course. A video game, then.”

“Why do you feel the need to ruin everything?” he demanded in open exasperation.

“Well, I am the Dark Lord.”

Yoshi raised an eyebrow. “Ara ara?”

Oh, you little shit.

“Don’t do that,” I ordered. “Rock stars have always played around with gender presentation. You’re too normie to pull it off.”

“Wow. That’s the first time in my life I’ve ever been called that.”

Zui loudly cleared her throat. “Since our schedule just got tighter, lemme just say that if we need to argue over whether to head for Fallencourt or the next Spirit location on our list, that tunnel over there starts out as the quickest route toward both. We’ll have close to an hour’s walk before the path branches and we gotta make the call.”

“That’s not the tunnel Hoy left through,” I said, frowning. “I thought he was in a hurry to beat us to the Spirit…”

“Why’d you think that, because he said so?” Gazmo demanded. “Fuck only knows what Hoy’s thinking. The exit he took swings south; most likely he wants to rendezvous with more of Jadrak’s partisans and pick up a new team, since this bloodthirsty idiot over here dropped the ceiling on his last one. Hoy’s not the kinda guy to risk his own hide against somebody who’s a legitimate threat to him without taking extra precautions.”

“You’re welcome,” Get Fucked muttered, barely audibly.

Everyone turned a collectively baleful stare on him, causing him to hunch his shoulders and look away.

“Well, I guess if we take Zui’s advice,” Yoshi said, still staring at Get Fucked, “we’ll have time to settle on a new course of action and give everybody a chance to say ‘I told you so.’”

“Yoshi, here’s a free lesson in villainy,” I said cheerfully. “Never tell people ‘I told you so.’ It’s a dickish thing to say, and saying it makes you come off like a dick, which detracts from your point. Instead, just make sure to tell them so ahead of time, and then when the opportunity comes, leave it unsaid. That way, they’re left weltering in the knowledge that you told them so and can’t even be mad about it.”

“That was the most weirdly insightful thing I’ve ever heard,” Adelly commented.

“I’d have said insightfully weird,” said Nazralind.

“I don’t need lessons in villainy!” Yoshi exclaimed.

“You need lessons in everything, Yoshi.”

“And is that American sarcasm, or are you just being a dick now?”

“Hard to tell, isn’t it?”

“For fuck’s fucking sake!” Zui shouted. “You’re like a couple of… I don’t even know! Can we focus, here?”

“Zui is correct,” I said solemnly, taking the contract and pencil from Fram, which she’d finished and Gilnik had already signed while we deliberated. “I bet she’ll be shrewd enough not to remind us she told us so later, too. See how annoying it is? All right, people, let’s walk and talk.”

The need for haste forced us to move out and trust that Gilnik would do his part in burying the Spirit. Goblin culture being what it was, I wasn’t worried about his willingness now that he’d put his signature on paper in front of a Judge, but there was the risk of Hoy circling back before they could finish the job, if that was indeed Hoy’s plan. It was a risk, but one circumstances forced us to take. There just weren’t any options available that weren’t risky.

That was our problem in a nutshell.

Despite the need to reach a resolution by the next cross-tunnel, I didn’t immediately resume my argument with Yoshi, because he was frowning in deep thought and I was beginning to notice that Yoshi was decently good at spotting the angles and laying down a workable plan when it was necessary. Since we had hopefully enough time to reach a consensus and I myself felt completely stuck in trying to resolve this dilemma, I opted to give him some time to think in the hope that he might come up with something worthwhile.

Not that I was utterly exhausted with being the guy who had to make all the plans all the time or anything. I just had something else that needed seeing to before we got much farther.

“So, what’s it gonna be?” I asked, falling back to stride alongside our erstwhile prisoner.

He squinted suspiciously up at me. Though no longer tied and gagged, he still had Adelly and Flaethwyn both hovering around within easy weapon range. Understandable, since we hadn’t exactly discussed his evolving role in the group.

“You wanna stick with Get Fucked?” I clarified when he failed to respond. “Make a clean break with the past, fresh name and all? I fully support you if so, just saying. Individual self-determination is a big deal in my organization.”

Get Fucked looked at me again, sidelong and upward, and it was a uniquely expressive stare: the distinct yet hard-to-describe expression of a man who was just too soul-deep tired to be as pissed off as he wanted to be.

“My name’s Deeyo.”

“Hi, Deeyo, I’m Seiji. So, what’s your next move?”

“I dunno, what were you expecting when you dragged me into this?” He shrugged fatalistically. “I think I’d rather you left me tied up and ignorant back at the spring.”

“Do you really?”

“…no. Yes. I…” Deeyo wrapped his arms around himself, hunching over as he walked. “Goddess. You have no idea what I’ve… I gave everything for Jadrak. I fought for him—I threw Fire Lances at people protecting their homes because…because the cause needed me to. Rubble and rot, I was out recruiting for him! I helped drag more honest people into his… And it was all lies. He played me like a goddamn slidepipe.”

My inner musician immediately perked up and made a mental note to find out at the earliest opportunity what a slidepipe was, but my outer showman knew this was no time for a digression like that.

“And now…” Deeyo stared down at his own palms. “Now I’m a Void witch.”

“You’re not a Void witch, son,” Biribo said, rather condescendingly. “You’re bog standard Blessed with Magic. About as standard as they come. Pretty low on the power scale.”

“But…Jadrak did it himself.” He stared forlornly up at me. “None of us even asked how or why, because apparently we’re all fucking idiots, we were too busy being inspired by this incredible power he had. The Goblin King can give out the Blessing of Magic, along with those two basic spells. But apparently it’s Void magic, right? Doesn’t that make me a Void witch?”

“Void initiation doesn’t work like that,” Biribo explained. “Believe me, if you’d encountered the Void, you would know. Apparently Jadrak’s Void gift is just that, the ability to grant that Blessing and those two spells. We should keep in mind, boss, he most likely has them himself, as well.”

“Makes sense, if you think about it from a strategic standpoint,” said Aster, drawing up to walk on Deeyo’s other side. “Hoy’s Void power suits a front line fighter, while Jadrak’s is more organizational. Having the ability to grant Blessings will do a lot to secure loyalty.”

“Well. There’s that, anyway, I guess,” Deeyo muttered.

“Listen, man,” I said. “Speaking as someone who has fucked up enough in just the last few months for ten lifetimes, what’s done is done. All you can do is clean up as best you can, and when it’s something you can’t fix? Well, you keep moving forward anyway, because there is just…nothing else. One foot in front of the other and do what you need to. You can’t un-hurt the people you’ve hurt, but there are plenty of people out there who still need help, and there always will be. You can always do that.”

“Right. Yeah. I gotta… Man, I don’t even know, after this,” he said, staring blankly ahead. “I have no idea how to put any of this right. I just… I’ll help bring him down. I have to. After everything… I have to do that, at least.”

This was where I’d give him a companionable pat on the back if he were a bandit, but given our height disparity I’d have to either bend down to do it or just ruffle his hair, and either option felt condescending.

“Welcome to the Dark Crusade, Deeyo.”

Ahead of me, Pashilyn turned her head, glancing back over her shoulder, and caught my eye. Her expression was merely thoughtful.

I was definitely going to have to do something about her. It would’ve been nice if I had even the vaguest idea what.

“Okay, Omura,” Yoshi fortunately interrupted my train of thought at that moment. “I think I have a plan.”

“Attaboy, I knew I could count on you!”

He looked surprised at that, but his expression almost immediately went back to worried. “I don’t think you’ll like it.”

“At this point, I’d only be surprised if something happened that I did like. Hit me.”

“Okay.” Yoshi took a breath and let it out slowly, and I braced myself. If he was this nervous about just suggesting it, this was going to be bad. “I think we need to split up.”

Well…not that bad, but still.

“I see the basic logic in that, of course,” I said, keeping my tone carefully even. “We’ve got two important targets, two Champions and their respective entourages, and a tight timetable. The math checks out. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that the both of us together are roughly a match for Hoy and thus whoever has to face him alone is good and fucked?”

“Yeah…” He winced. “And…I’m really sorry, but…that’s going to have to be you.”

“All righty then. Increasingly displeased,” I admitted, “but still listening.”

“Isn’t that kind of backwards?” Aster cut in, frowning at the Hero. “You’re both strong fighters, so it doesn’t seem to matter who ends up facing down Hoy, if it has to be one or the other. But whoever gets the other job is going to have to confront Jadrak in front of his followers, and that is going to come down to politics more than fighting, unless we want to turn it into an absolute massacre. Goblins are not going to be inclined to listen to the Hero anyway, and Lord Seiji is very good at working a crowd. That job is right up his alley.”

She had a strong point. I turned back to Yoshi, wordlessly raising one eyebrow.

“I don’t disagree,” he acknowledged. “But there are two other important factors that change that calculation. The big one is that Omura has the weight of prophecy on his side if he faces Hoy at the Spirit.”

“Ohhh,” I whispered, remembering. “Oh, yeah. I should’ve known that would come back to bite me.”

“Wait, prophecy?” Pashilyn exclaimed, looking more startled than I’d ever seen her.

“The Spirit we spoke to,” I said. “It said if I fought Hoy while he was trying to corrupt a Spirit, I should forego strategy in favor of unrelenting attack regardless of what happened. The exact words were that if I did that, I would get what I needed, even if I lost the battle.”

“That is not promising!” Aster snapped.

“Sounds like a pretty dicey payoff,” Nazralind agreed, frowning. “Stories about prophecies…it’s exactly that kind of vagueness that always gets you in the end.”

“Can Spirits actually tell the future?” I asked Biribo.

“Yes,” he and Radatina chorused instantly.

I had to pause, blinking in surprise. “Huh. Gotta say, I was expecting…something else. Some kind of spiel about how the future isn’t that simple and knowing it ahead of time violates causality or something.”

“All of that is also correct,” Biribo agreed. “If you wanna know how Spirits tell the future, I can’t help you. That’s not part of the inherent knowledge familiars get access to, and based on everything I understand about reality it doesn’t make any goddamn sense. All I know is that if a Spirit’s reward involves any forewarning about the future, whatever it said is accurate.”

“Right,” I said in my cheeriest tone. “Plan so far, then, is I tackle Hoy all on my lonesome and probably get my shit fucked up six ways to Sunday, with the payoff of some indeterminate mumbo-jumbo about ‘getting what I need.’ So far, so dismal. Let’s keep the hits coming, Yoshi, I think you said there were two factors to consider?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I, uh… At the other end, I also need to lose.”

“This is the worst plan I’ve ever heard,” Flaethwyn stated. “And I’m including my parents’ attempt to marry me off to an obese fifty-year-old half-elf. I’m honestly impressed, Yoshi, I never imagined anyone would top that.”

“Couldn’t happen to a nicer person,” Zui muttered, and I made a mental note to skewer her later about daring to complain that the rest of us kept sidetracking the conversation with bickering.

“Just listen to me,” Yoshi said, his patience visibly fraying. To my surprise, that did shut Flaethwyn up, and in fact seemed to worry her. “Okay, so looking at it with all the information we have, it’s most likely that Jadrak does have the ability Hoy described, to sacrifice at least some of his followers’ souls to gain more Void powers. The familiars say it’s possible, which means that devil undoubtedly is aware of it and that’s probably a big part of why they manipulated this whole sequence of events into happening. I bet that would be the best payload of souls any devil ever bagged; the Devil King would probably give them a big promotion. But, that means we have to wonder why Jadrak hasn’t already done it, right?”

“I thought I already went over that,” I said, frowning.

“You did, and your theory is perfectly sound,” Yoshi agreed. “It wasn’t his original plan and he doesn’t want to do it. That is key. It makes sense: Jadrak’s ability to sacrifice his followers’ souls is entirely contingent on them being fanatically loyal to him. As soon as he starts doing it, he’ll probably stop being able to, because that will terrify everyone into turning on him. So even if he’s enough of a ruthless monster to plan on that contingency, he has a strong practical motivation not to invoke it.”

“Boy makes a solid point,” Gazmo stated. “Trust me, I know goblins. If they’re deeply, personally loyal enough that their very souls are forfeit on his say-so alone… Well, in the first place, that situation won’t last long no matter what else happens. He’ll only be able to pull that off while riding a wave of success and adrenaline. Soon as his campaign hits a major wall, that’s off the table. And as soon as he starts actually feeding people to a devil, boom. No goblin would sign up for that.”

“Right,” said Yoshi, nodding. “So here’s the way I see it: we need to take some of the pressure off Jadrak. We need to make him dither and be uncertain about invoking that extreme measure long enough for his momentum to falter so that he can’t anymore.”

“Ah.” And with that, I was caught up. “So you want him to see the Hero, alone, coming at his defenses and…failing to make an impact. Make him feel less cornered, like he can still win this.”

“Exactly. Especially if Hoy’s elsewhere going after the Spirits, I’m confident I can at least distract and hold Jadrak off, especially with my friends backing me up, plus whatever local allies we can find. Hopefully Rizz has found more Judges and warned them about the Void. Whether or not I can actually get to Jadrak… As long as I don’t, and he thinks his Void witch friend is out finishing off the Dark Lord, hopefully he won’t be willing to pull the trigger.”

“So you just have to stalemate him,” I said slowly. “And…you’re counting on me either beating Hoy alone, or pulling some vague Spirit nonsense out of my ass that’ll make it not matter.”

“I know how it sounds,” Yoshi said, his shoulders slumping.

“No, yeah, this sounds like a needlessly elaborate mass suicide,” I agreed. “However… The basic strategy is solid. Everything you said makes perfect sense. It’s just… It’s the parts we can’t account for, y’know? No telling what’s gonna happen if you go up against his core army alone, though I don’t see it going a lot better than the last time you tried that.”

Especially now that his party was down a member, but I decided not to bring that up. He definitely didn’t need to be reminded.

“And,” I continued after a momentary pause, “we’ve been over how extremely uncertain my own end of the plan is.”

“Yeah.” Yoshi nodded again, holding my gaze as we walked. “Yeah, it’s… It’s not good, Omura. But I think it’s our only option.”

“Well, one part lines up nicely, at least,” Zui offered. “The nearest Spirit and our logical next target is the one Hoy mentioned, Mister Flats. From its cavern there’s a tram tunnel that’s a straight shot to the Fallencourt terminal. We can’t actually take a tram, but that particular tunnel has a flat bottom and no canyons or anything, so we can get from there to Fallencourt on foot.”

“Assuming we all still have feet,” Nazralind said glumly. “And all our blood.”

“I’ve gotta hand it to you, Yoshi,” I said, “you sure called it. I hate every part of this plan. And I do not have a better idea. So unless anyone else has a better idea?”

I turned in a complete circle while walking, sweeping a pleading stare across the entire entourage of my followers, the Hero’s party, and our goblin allies.

“Anyone?” I prompted. “…please?”

“We could all just jump into the core,” Deeyo suggested morosely. “Save some time.”

“Better.” Zui jabbed him with her elbow, hard. “He said a better idea. Stop being a prick, the Dark Lord has that covered.”

“I guess that’s that, then!” I said, clapping my hands and plastering on a big smile. “We will carry out the Hero’s idiotic, insane plan, and may the goddesses have mercy on our souls.”

“I’ll tell you what, Omura,” Yoshi said with a weak smile. “I’ll take your advice too. If we end up winning, somehow, I promise not to say ‘I told you so.’”

“Well, you couldn’t, anyway. Unless you’re willing to guarantee this will work?”

He sighed heavily and turned to face forward again.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”