Only Villains Do That

Sneppit had never let me down yet.

Granted, much of the relative peace and tranquility of the next day was due to Minifrit’s supervision, and her willingness to consult with the leadership of the two tribes to determine the best ways to keep the peace. It was tense around the fortress, but no incidents ensued by the time I had to embark for Gwyllthean. Well, no incidents worth noting; several people snapped at Velaven as she attempted to pursue her project. That was how I learned the catfolk didn’t like her one bit more than the humans, and for exactly the same reason.

It was Sneppit who got credit for getting the trams running, though. The whole network was still being rebuilt and would be for a while, but as promised she had prioritized the specific lines needed to get between North Watch and Gwyllthean. It would be a longer ride back as the tunnel following the air currents which propelled those trams looped all the way north around the island, but the ride itself from the Fallencourt terminal to its counterpart under the city was barely ten minutes. It had taken a lot longer to walk to the station from the fortress.

It was almost enough to make me angry about all the time I’d spent hiking back and forth across this damn island.

“Whew, that’s a relief,” Zui said cheerfully as we strode toward the guarded exit to the city above. “But hey, it worked! I guess that was as good a test of the new tracks as any.”

Aster and I both missed a step before recovering. It was Aster who voiced the obvious.

“Oh, fuck off, Zui. There’s no way Sneppit would let that thing run without getting tested first.”

Zui turned to give us both a big, shit-eating grin, and it was a testament to how used to goblins I was getting that I wanted to kick those sharklike teeth rather than retreat from them.

It was interesting to revisit the Short Stack; the last time I’d been in this pub, it had been as an outsider, getting my first glimpse into goblin culture and spending most of my energies thwarting their attempts to spy on my business. Now I was returning as the lord of all goblindom on Dount, using the goblin entrance. Which was mostly significant in that I had to duck to get through; if you’ve seen one tunnel into a basement, you’ve seen them all.

Also, my old theory was only partially correct. Miss Sneppit’s headquarters was not directly under this pub, but it was a relatively short tunnel hike away beneath the very outskirts of Gwyllthean to the northeast. It was fascinating, getting a passing look at the goblins’ defenses—both the checkpoints set up under my authority and their original system in place due to this being the Kingsguard’s usual point of entry when they decided to raid the tunnels. Whole sections of tunnel were rigged to be blocked by debris at the pull of a lever, including the ones leading to Sneppit’s place, funneling intruders into more dangerous areas with less habitation.

More and more I felt like my recruitment of the goblins and their ingenuity was going to be the defining achievement of my entire Dark Crusade.

“Welcome back, Lord Seiji,” said Gizmit upon meeting us in the pub’s basement. “I hear you’ve had a very successful few days with the local tribes.”

“Now, how the hell are you up to date on that?” Aster demanded.

Gizmit favored us with one of her rare little smiles. “Information didn’t travel as fast with the trams down, but it’s not as if contact was cut off. I’d be a poor pick for this job if I didn’t keep abreast of important developments. The cats and the wolves, now? Impressive work, Lord Seiji.”

“Thanks, but there’s a limit to how much credit I can take. I was just capitalizing on unexpected events.”

“That is what makes it impressive. Any idiot can wring a victory out of a situation they’ve set up and controlled from the start. But, you didn’t come here to have your butt kissed and I don’t care for the flavor, so let’s move along. I’ve got a secure room nearby where you can be briefed; no listening holes, unlike all the above-ground rooms in this place.”

“Perfect, lead on.”

“I’m amazed there’s a structure in the Gutters that has an underground section,” Aster muttered as Gizmit conducted us down a short hallway and through a door. “Never mind cultural taboos, aren’t you worried about flooding?”

“The canal walls are pretty solid,” said Zui, pulling the door shut behind us. “Pre-Fflyr construction, and actually maintained, believe it or not. Also, this is goblin architecture, meaning it was built properly. These walls are watertight.”

“And secure as she says, Biribo?” I prompted.

“Looks good, boss. The ceiling is solid and there’s nobody in the room directly above us. The hall out there’s empty, and so is the next room over—with no listening holes in either wall—and it’s solid dirt and rock on every other side.”

“Perfect. Sorry, Gizmit, not to doubt you or anything…”

“You will never hear me complain about appropriate caution, Lord Seiji,” she assured me. “Now then, to business. This shouldn’t be a long meeting, depending on how many details you want, because—at the risk of tempting the goddesses—the news is all good.”

“That’s a nice change of pace,” I said approvingly. “Go on.”

“I’ll start with the bit that I think’ll make you happiest, which may not be optimal storytelling technique but you’ll just be grumpy if I keep it from you any longer. I’ve so far found two of Lady Gray’s secret stashes in the Gutters, and I have leads on several more.”

“You found—wait. She had secret stashes?”

Gizmit nodded. “She wasn’t one to keep all her coins in one pouch, metaphorically or literally.”

“On top of everything else I’ve had you doing this week? Now that’s quick work, Gizmit.”

“Well, I wasn’t starting from scratch. I’ve known the location of one for years, but I left it strictly alone while Gray was alive. And and also later, while the Gutters gangs were going through a power shakeup. Nothing in there could’ve been worth the risk of setting Gwyllthean’s underworld against goblins. But that was then and you’re in charge now, so I dug into it at the first opportunity. Just currency and some paperwork in there—which I used to find another, which seems to have been one of Gray’s personal stashes. That was a goldmine, if relatively small. Documents that will aid in finding more, as well as in tracking the movements of Clan Olumnach and other players on Dount, more wealth in the form of expensive jewelry and art rather than liquid currency… And best of all, things for you to use personally.”

Smiling with open smugness, she reached inside her duster and pulled out a narrow, flattish box from one of its large concealed pockets, and held it out to me.

“Several minor artifacts, whose function I haven’t determined. Biribo should be able to tell you what they do. They are secured; I didn’t want to carry too many valuables around the city with me, just in case, but I knew you’d want to get your hands on these as soon as possible.”

“Oh, fuck yes I do,” I breathed, having just opened the box.

Within, slightly smashed from their normal cylindrical shape but none the worse for wear, were spell scrolls. Two of them.

Finally!

“Gizmit, you are my new favorite goblin!” I crowed, already snapping the ribbon and unrolling one. “You hear that, Zui? You are officially on notice.”

“Enjoy your fifteen minutes, Giz,” Zui said dryly. “He’s got the attention span of a sleep-deprived housecat.”

I ignored her, preoccupied with the dissolution of the magic scroll and the sudden burst of insight my eyes as I acquired Shock.

Oh, hell yes. I vividly remembered how effective that had been when Hoy had been flinging it around. Finally, finally, direct attack magic that wasn’t a horrible torture spell or just chucking slimes! Finally, an attack spell to neutralize rather than kill a target—which, again, wasn’t a horrible torture spell. And that was just its immediate usage. Once I started seeing what I could combine that with…

“You’re gonna keep us in suspense, aren’t you,” Aster said wryly while I dug into the other scroll.

“That was Shock,” Biribo explained. “Remember, we saw Hoy use that one.”

“Ooh! Now that’s a good find!”

My own elation had faded somewhat, as I had just opened the other scroll and gained the power of Soulbond, and was now concentrating on the awareness of it in my head. As with all other spells, possessing it gave me an intuitive understanding of how to use it, but…not a complete understanding. This one in particular seemed difficult to wrap my brain around.

“…huh. Biribo, what’s this, now?”

“Aww, you got Soulbond,” he cooed in an openly mocking tone. “That’s so sweet!”

“Shut the fuck up and exposit, you flying handbag.”

“Soulbond,” Biribo proclaimed, addressing himself to the room at large as much as to me, “can be cast upon any person with whom the caster shares a deep, abiding love and absolute trust. It enables them to be intuitively aware of each other’s position and general state of being as long as the spell lasts—which is until that state of love and trust is broken, or both parties mutually decide to dispel it. That scroll’s a common enough dungeon drop, boss, and the first big payday of many an adventurer. Blessed nobles love having that to share with their sweethearts.”

Aster was so obviously, studiously not bursting out laughing that I wished she’d just go ahead and do it.

“So in other words, fucking useless,” I sighed. “Oh, well, I might still be able to make something worthwhile out of it with spell combination.”

Zui sighed heavily. “Oh, you sad, bleak-hearted little man.”

“Gray was the wrong kind of Blessed to use those,” said Gizmit, “and while I haven’t been able to verify for certain, I suspect the artifacts I found with them were below her personal caliber. That suggests it was a cache of valuables she was planning to sell, not her personal arsenal. Which means there may yet be some much better finds out there. I’m following up on some hints and will let you know immediately if I acquire anything else.”

“Fantastic work, Gizmit, I knew you were the right pick for this job. What other good news do you have for me?”

She nodded, her expression satisfied even as her tone was brisk and businesslike. “Your orders with regard to the changes of operations among the Gutters gangs has proceeded smoothly, with none of the pushback I feared. Actually, a lot of credit for that is due to the bodyguards you assigned me while I was surveying the Gutters, and pursuant to that, I have a personnel recommendation. Aster, this is technically your domain, so apologize if I’m stepping on your toes.”

“Not at all, I’m always interested in your opinion, Gizmit.”

“Personnel?” I asked. “Are you talking about Auron and Deeyo? They were just supposed to be making sure nobody jumped you while you moved around the Gutters.”

“Which they did very well, but what took me by surprise is how well those two hit it off. They not only formed an amazingly fast friendship in just a few days, they fell naturally into what might be the smoothest good guard, bad guard routine I’ve ever seen. I want to put forward Auron as a prospect for head of your Gutters operations, Lord Seiji, with Deeyo as his lieutenant and personal enforcer.”

“Interesting,” Aster mused. “Auron is even-tempered and has leadership experience, yes. Deeyo’s kind of an erratic hothead, though, isn’t he?”

“That’s a solid description,” Gizmit agreed. “But he listens to Auron’s calming advice, and his combination of aggressive personality and magical firepower is the perfect backup for Auron’s more laid-back style. They do this amazingly well; everybody we dealt with either respects the human’s levelheaded approach or fears the goblin mage’s temper. Frankly, I think the best way to keep Deeyo under control is to attach him to Auron permanently—and in addition to the aptitudes Aster just mentioned, Auron seems to completely lack prejudice. At any rate, he has zero problem respecting goblins and I saw no reason to think he’s got a problem with beastfolk either. That’ll be important, given the way the Crusade is shaping up.”

“It all sounds sensible to me,” I said. “As she pointed out, Aster, military personnel are your department. What do you think?”

“The half of it I can speak to, I agree with,” she said slowly, forehead furrowed in thought. “Deeyo is mostly an unknown to me, but Gizmit’s endorsement counts for a lot… Hm. Ordinarily I’d interview the both of them myself, but our itinerary for this trip is going to make that difficult. I’ll need to stick with Lord Seiji on his own errands, and we probably won’t have time for that diversion. Zui, can I ask you to double-check this arrangement and tell me what you think?”

“I mean, I’m glad to help,” Zui shrugged, “but I’ll tell you up front I am very unlikely to disagree with Gizmit’s assessment. Not out of any favoritism, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known her, she doesn’t sign her name to any idea she’s not very certain about.”

“Of course, I’m pretty confident in her judgment myself. It’s just that for something as important as overall command of the Gutters gangs, I’m reluctant to sign my own name to an idea I’m not in a position to be sure of. And since I may not have the opportunity to investigate myself, I’d at least like a second opinion from another person I trust.”

“Due diligence, I respect the hell out of that,” Zui agreed, nodding. “Sure, I can shadow the two of ‘em for a day and report back.”

“Better yet,” I added, “have them do for you what they were doing for Gizmit. That’ll assuage another worry I had about turning you loose in the Gutters, Zui. No offense, but you’re more likely to need armed backup than she is.”

I was still worried about the prospect of curses, and didn’t love the idea of sending my queens in different directions, but I could only take Aster with me on my business in Gwyllthean and didn’t want to waste the skills of the other two, at least not while we were still fucking around on this sad little wreck of an island and unlikely to encounter anyone who could cast a curse.

“See, that’s one of those things that wouldn’t be offensive if you hadn’t gone out of your way to point out that it could be.”

“I do what I can,” I said modestly. “Anyway, Gizmit, suggestion received and appreciated. What else?”

“Forward operations are going well. I have succeeded in planting two agents among the household servants in Caer Olumnach. They’re to spend some time establishing themselves and beginning to build informal networks before attempting any actual espionage, and I strongly advise allowing them time to do so.”

“Excellent. What about in Clan Aelthwyn?”

Gizmit’s brow furrowed in annoyance, which was almost as good as a tantrum from most other people.

“That’s proving to be a much thornier problem than I anticipated, Lord Seiji. The issue is that steward of theirs. Caludon Aelthwyn may have a brain like a knotted snake full of angry birds, but the man he’s got actually running his affairs is annoyingly competent. He’d have to be, being both the effective governor of Dount and the personal babysitter of Archlord Caludon and Highlady Nazfryn, who are a pair of bored, deranged sadists who ruin everything in sight any time they’re allowed to use any of the power they have. I would like to pick Nazralind’s brain on the problem as soon as I’m back at North Watch, but what I’ve learned in the meantime is that the vetting process for new servants in Caer Aelthwyn is designed to prevent, among other things, exactly what I am trying to do. I’m going to have to work out a way to infiltrate several other very high-level social networks before I can pull that off. I don’t believe it’s impossible, Lord Seiji, but it’s going to be a longer-term project than I initially planned on.”

“Mmm… Well, keep at it. The Aelthwyns are a longer-term project anyway, since unlike the Olumnachs I wasn’t planning to wipe them out in the near future. Getting rid of those two sounds like a moral necessity, but the strategic necessities already required us to tolerate them a while longer, at least until we’re done using them. Talking to Naz is a good idea.”

She nodded. “Moving on from that, I’ll need your go-ahead and/or personal intervention on the next forward operations I recommend. To begin with, you probably already know this, but it’s going to be vital to our plans in the city to maintain and if possible improve your relationship with Captain Norovena.”

“That was one of my purposes in visiting town,” I said, “though chatting with the Captain was a lower priority…”

“I would advise making it a higher one, Lord Seiji,” she said seriously. “Norovena is a corrupt man, yes, but don’t make the mistake of assuming that’s all there is to him. He is trying as best he can to maintain order—trying in something like good faith. That might be a contradiction in a different country, but in Fflyr Dlemathlys, the fact is that an incorruptible man could not do his job. Keeping the Kingsguard at minimum off our backs and at best actively willing to cooperate with us will be absolutely essential. To do that, you’ll need to keep Norovena convinced that your association is not only personally profitable to him, but in the overall best interests of the peace and order on Dount. In that you have a big advantage over the likes of Olumnach or Gray, since you actually intend to do that and are in fact making some headway.”

“That’s…interesting,” I mused, frowning. “You’re sure about your assessment of the man?”

“If I were in any way unsure, I’d have said that first,” she replied with subdued irritation.

“Sorry, Gizmit, not to question your competence. I just hadn’t observed… Well, then again, perhaps I haven’t exactly been in a position to see into the man’s heart.”

“I haven’t either, but I’ve taken pains to study up on his history and monitor his actions, as best I can from a safe distance. The Kingsguard and King’s Guild are among the organizations I don’t advise attempting to watch too directly, as they have inherent defenses against people lurking around them, but fortunately both are vulnerable to infiltration. Meanwhile, leveraging your established relationship with the captain of the former would be a massive asset until I can groom some acceptable prospects to seed in their ranks.”

“All right, makes sense. I’ll bump him up my priority list.”

“Very good, Lord Seiji. The other major recommendation I have concerns the Auldmaer Company, which I presume you were also planning to visit on this trip.”

“I was. In addition to just checking in with Master Auldmaer, we need to discuss an update to our financial arrangements. Sneppit’s got a new business plan which will require us to turn our various ill-gotten gains into liquid currency, as opposed to having him turn our currency into raw materials the way we’ve been doing.”

“Hm.” She tilted her head, considering. “I see why the changes to the organization would make that a good move. Let me guess, Sneppit found out that nobody except herself, me, and Youda was drawing a salary? What did she throw at you?”

“It’s called communism,” I explained in utter solemnity. “We have nothing to lose but our chains!”

Gizmit looked questioningly at Aster, who shook her head.

“Right, well, anyway. That will probably go over well; it should be easier and more profitable for Auldmaer to do than the previous arrangement. Good, that’ll put him in a receptive mood. I believe, Lord Seiji, it will become necessary to advance our influence through mercantile operations in Gwyllthean, which means gaining fingerholds in other companies and solidifying our grip on Auldmaer. This should be done in a way which profits him as much as we reasonably can; it is a bad idea to mistreat one’s loyal allies for a whole host of reasons. To that end, I wish to plant an agent in his company. Openly, posed as a request from yourself to Auldmaer.”

“Interesting,” I mused. “Go on?”

“He won’t be surprised that you’re keeping an eye on him; that’s to be expected in this kind of relationship. Doing so openly rather than behind his back will increase trust and goodwill. Specifically, I would like to have him hire on one of Nazralind’s noblewoman friends.”

“Hang on, now,” Aster interjected. “Those girls are all wanted criminals. Putting one openly in a job in the middle ring is asking for a disaster!”

“It depends on which one,” Gizmit explained. “As for the criminals part, it may be an open secret who that gang of rebel agitators out east was, but no one can afford to admit it. In a country with effective police and actual investigative ability, I wouldn’t risk it, but this is Fflyr Dlemathlys. Worse—or better, in this case—it’s Dount. The only actual risk is that some of the girls would be seized and dragged home by their families if seen in public, but only some. Several of them have been legally disowned.”

She turned her focus to me directly as she continued.

“Nazralind can probably explain the details better than I, and in fact she should be the one to suggest candidates, but the upshot is that for a young disowned highborn girl, landing a cushy job at a legitimate trading company is basically a best-case scenario. No one in polite society will question that, they’ll just relish having someone new to look down their noses at. What’s more, having a pretty noblewoman in a customer-facing position, disowned or no, will be a social asset Auldmaer will be able to leverage for significant advantage, both politically and economically. He will love this idea. Additionally,” she added, “I want to place a discreet watch around his company operations. Both to be able to keep an eye on what he’s doing without depending on the asset we’ve placed there openly, to whom he will feed misinformation if he intends to deceive us, and to ensure that our girl has an escape route and backup available if something goes wrong.”

Slowly, I nodded. “I follow you. Hm… All right, it’s a good plan, I like the sound of it. Excellent work, Gizmit. Bring that up with Nazralind as well. You are planning to return to North Watch, as we discussed?”

“I want to accompany Zui today as we check in with the goblin assets we’re positioning throughout the Gutters, but after that, yes. Now that the tram line is running, it’s less critical for me to be out here, and North Watch is a more secure position from which to base my activities.”

“Good. You’ve done excellent work here, Gizmit, and now I’m afraid I’m about to give you more.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“I have put Velaven in charge of forming and training a squad of shadow scouts,” I explained. “This is…mostly a means of training her to behave according to our organization’s standards, though I do also want shadow scouts. But while she’s doing that, I would like someone keeping an eye on her and on this unit as it develops.”

“You don’t trust her,” Gizmit said quietly.

“It’s not so much that I don’t trust her—although, no, I don’t—as that this in particular seems like a risk. I’ve handed her the ideal opportunity to begin forming a counter-resistance within my organization, exactly as she did in Jadrak’s. Seeing what she does with that opportunity will do a lot to help me gauge how much I can trust her. But I’m not stupid enough to let that unfold without an eye kept on it.”

“My eye, you mean.”

“More than yours, don’t get me wrong. Minifrit and Sneppit are both watching over this at my request, and Velaven is reporting directly to Aster on the matter. But when it comes to skullduggery… Yours are the most competent eyes, Giz.”

“Which means Velaven will see me coming a limn away,” she mused, but then a slow, vulpine smile spread across her features. “Interesting. It’s been a while since I had a real partner to play brain checkers with. Very good, Lord Seiji, I’ll make sure to…test her skills and my own.”

“Politely,” I reminded her. “Velaven’s not to be treated as an enemy unless she gives some indication that she should.”

“Uh, yeah, boss, I was gonna say,” Biribo chimed in. “Given her position, I really don’t think she’s likely to turn against you.”

“I agree,” I said. “I understand the fix she’s in, and what I mean to her. It isn’t that, exactly. It’s more that Velaven, as smart as she is, has shown herself not quite as smart as she thinks she is, and she tends to do squirrelly bullshit when left unsupervised. I just feel better with somebody looking over her shoulder.”

“Well, I’m a little closer to her knees, but I take your meaning, my lord,” Gizmit said, smirking.

“Good. Good meeting—and good work, Gizmit. All right, now I just need to come up with an excuse to drop in on Captain Norovena that’s urgent enough to get me in there without making it seem urgent.”

“As usual, I’m way ahead of you,” my spymaster announced, grinning. “I’ve brought you another present from Lady Gray’s little treasure chest, Lord Seiji, in anticipation of exactly that need. I think this’ll be just the ticket.”