Pixiu Restaurant, No Way Out

When Yue Lao saw the gloomy expression on Pi Xiu’s face, the three Gods immediately excused themselves and quickly fled the scene, as if they had oil on the soles of their feet1. After all, they were afraid that this ancestor would want to kill them, eating them in one bite, in order to silence them.

Even though it didn’t mean that they were going to lose the fight, the fight would be earth-shattering. The local police would very likely show up, fine them for disturbing the peace and send them to get re-educated. Although money wasn’t a problem, getting re-educated was the real headache.

Pi Xiu sat on the Taishi chair with a sullen face. As for Wen Xi, he covered his chest and leaned on the side with an air of uneasiness. Although there was half a meter of distance between the two men, neither dared to look at the other.

Wen Xi simply couldn’t bear the thought of sharing a future with a non-human partner.

At that moment, the temperature of the room gradually rose. Wen Xi didn’t even need to look at Pi Xiu to know he was angry. Instead, Wen Xi could only think: ‘I’m not even angry myself, so what is this old beast so angry about?’

Pi Xiu was thousands of years old, and Wen Xi was an old ghost of a few hundred years. The age difference between them was so great that even ‘an old cucumber painted green to look young2’ could not compensate for their age difference.

Besides, Pi Xiu had advocated celibacy for thousands of years, since making money was his first priority in life. While other beasts and demons focused on Cultivating, Pi Xiu made money. In the time when monsters went out to fuck and have fun with Humans, Pi Xiu continued to generate profits. Even the first few times Pi Xiu suffered from a calamity, he was still looking to seize various opportunities to earn money.

The pleasure of making money was not the same as having a lover. A lover can betray you, but money never will.

When Pi Xiu remembered the way he had been treating Wen Xi these days, his heart began to beat violently. All this time, he had been hugging Wen Xi and indiscriminately holding his hands. No matter how you thought about it, it felt excessive.

“I didn’t know.” Pi Xiu took the initiative to speak. “When I picked you up, I didn’t know about the red thread.”

Wen Xi made a ‘oh’ sound, but thought: ‘Who would believe that?!’

‘Even if I’m a ghost, I will not believe this old demon’s words. If he really didn’t have a clue, then why did he hug me, embrace me, and hold my hands? I can sue him for sexual harassment and have him go to jail for a few years.’

“I hug you only because your body is cold.” Pi Xiu kept explaining.

‘All I did was regard this ghost Scholar as a comfy ice pillow, that just so happened to be a good-looking fellow as well. I didn’t have any ‘other’ purpose for touching him. I’m simply using him to cool off and be done with it.’

Wen Xi snorted: “Is that so?”

Pi Xiu frowned: “You don’t believe me.”

Wen Xi turned to look at Pi Xiu with a smile on his face: “How could I not believe you? I don’t understand anything you say, so I naturally believe you.”

The place where the two of them were close to, instantly became cold. Pi Xiu looked at the grinning ghost Scholar, wanting to reach out to grab Wen Xi and corner him in his arms. However, when Pi Xiu recalled the words Yue Lao said not long ago, Pi Xiu’s breath was stuck in his chest, making him unable to swallow.

‘The Taotie must have left something inside Wen Xi’s body. Otherwise, how can an ordinary ghost feel so cold and comfortable?’

‘If I hug him, it would be like slapping myself on the face. But if I don’t hug him, I would feel too hot and uncomfortable.’

The more Pi Xiu thought about it, the more confused he was, and the more his body temperature rose. Wen Xi, who was next to him, could see hot air coming out of Pi Xiu’s nose.

At that, the Scholar’s heart throbbed strongly as he recalled what the three Gods had just said: ‘They said that if Pi Xiu gets angry, he will explode. But, how far will the explosion be? Will a ghost like myself be affected by it? If I run out now, can I find a safe place to hide?’

Once Wen Xi thought it over, he came to the conclusion that it was impossible to escape. ‘If I go out now, I might get killed by the sun. The method of ‘abandoning what’s near to pursue what’s far away3’ is really stupid.’

‘Now that I’m living under the same roof as him, my life is in the hands of this old beast. If he really wants to do something, all I can do is force myself not to smell the perfume on his body, wipe my tears, and sleep with him.’

After figuring that out, Wen Xi gritted his teeth and took the initiative to hug Pi Xiu. Then, Wen Xi asked with a soft voice: “Why does your body heat increase so much when you get angry? Are all Pixius like this?”

“No.” Pi Xiu held back the desire to hug Wen Xi, and pushed him away: “Don’t get too close to me.”

“Why?” Wen Xi held Pi Xiu’s hand against his face and said: “Weren’t you hot?”

‘Before, you didn’t even hesitate to pull me in and hug me like a madman. But now, why are you playing the role of a gentleman?’

When Pi Xiu felt the coldness on the palm of his hand, he thought: ‘Who would want to give this up? Nobody can!’

‘Although it has been several years since I’ve taken a human form, and I’ve eaten only Human food ever since, it’s not as if I can be considered Human.’

Only Humans paid attention to these things. Pi Xiu was a monster, and monsters only paid attention to force. Those with the biggest fists were the ones with the loudest voice. Wen Xi was no longer Human, so he didn’t have to abide by Human rules.

‘What’s wrong with hugging him? He’s an ice pillow ghost! Who cares if there’s a red thread between us? If we don’t want this union, there is nothing his ancestors can do about it.’

In the end, Wen Xi was pulled into Pi Xiu’s arms like before. As Wen Xi sat on Pi Xiu’s lap, Pi Xiu tightly wrapped his arms around Wen Xi’s waist. Although Wen Xi’s body was stiff at first, he soon relaxed.

“You still haven’t answered the question I asked. Why does your body get so hot?” Wen Xi asked.

Pi Xiu hugged him and breathed a sigh of relief. Then, he said slowly: “Taotie scammed me, taking my mountain and treasures. I was never able to find a single trance of him after that. I could only shed blood to worship the Heavens, so the Way of Heaven could give me some guidance.”

Wen Xi glanced at him: “And then what happened? Did the Way of Heaven not help you?”

“It only said four words to me.”

“The Way of Heaven can talk?” Wen Xi found it strange, and he was also full of curiosity, asking what those four words were.

Pi Xiu sneered: “It serves you right.”

Wen Xi was speechless, frowned, and hesitated to say: “That’s a little…a little bit uncalled for. How could it say such a thing?”

Pi Xiu said somewhat melancholy: “Who knows? Maybe it was jealous that I had money and they didn’t. After all, the Way of Heaven doesn’t have a mother, and no one taught it how to speak properly.”

After hearing this, Wen Xi jumped off from Pi Xiu’s arms, backed several steps, and looked at Pi Xiu with a watchful expression on his face.

“What are you doing?” Pi Xiu looked confused.

Wen Xi leaned against the wall and said calmly: “I’m worried the Way of Heaven will strike you down with thunder. I’m a little scared.”

Pi Xiu’s face darkened: “The Way of Heaven is sleeping right now. It will not hear my words.”

“Then what exactly did you do, to provoke the Way of Heaven to make you like this?” Wen Xi put his hand on Pi Xiu’s and asked with confusion: “Did you scold it like you did just now?”

The one surnamed Pi wasn’t worried about scolding the Way of Heaven for having spoken to him in such an unethical manner. But this tiger-like beast should consider himself lucky, for not dying by being struck by lightning for his insubordination.

Pi Xiu grunted: “No, I didn’t scold it so directly.”

Wen Xi: “….”

Pi Xiu actually thought that he had scolded the Way of Heaven in a rather polite manner. But scolding it once or twice behind its back still counts as scolding it.

Fan in hand, Wen Xi began to fan Pi Xiu to reduce his body heat. Then, Wen Xi said comfortingly: “Don’t be angry. You can’t learn from others if they don’t know how to talk.”

“What’s wrong with that? The Way of Heaven doesn’t have a mother, and neither do I. We’re even.”

Wen Xi: “….”

‘You’re quite something else, huh? You’re actually as stubborn as the Way of Heaven.’

Pi Xiu looked down at Wen Xi and asked: “Why are you talking to me, as if you were coaxing a child? You Human, do you think you’re smarter than me?”

Wen Xi didn’t reply. Instead, he kept fanning Pi Xiu with a smile on his face.

“Speak. Don’t pretend to be mute when you’re clearly scolding me in your heart.” Pi Xiu pinched Wen Xi’s chin and forced him to talk. Wen Xi, on the other hand, leaned back with a frown and pretended to be distressed.

Wen Xi: “How could I dare to scold you in my heart? I was simply thinking about the red thread of marriage that Yue Lao mentioned earlier.”

As soon as Pi Xiu heard the words ‘red thread of marriage’, his face sank again. That red thread wasn’t a good thing. After all, it was nothing more than a fancy thing the Way of Heaven loved to play with. It can’t be cut off, and the tied people can’t be separated. Monsters and Immortals try to avoid it, fearing that their hearts will be involved, as well as fearing they would become the most talked about gossip in everyone’s mouths.

Everyone likes watching, but no one likes being watched.

""

Pi Xiu got so angry that he even took out his cell phone to send messages, warning the three deities not to even think of telling others about his red thread of marriage. Otherwise, Pi Xiu could already imagine how much gossip would begin to spread outside.

As the old tree blossoms4, and an old house sets on fire5, a thousands-years-old Pixiu is engaged with a hundred-year-old little ghost. The engagement of an old husband and a young wife can definitely make headlines in the Demon World.

At that moment, the door was knocked on twice. A Monkey Spirit asked his boss if he could come in and clean up. After all, the guests who had reserved the private room for dinner were about to arrive.

Mr. Pi called the Monkey Spirit in, but he sat still on the Taishi chair. Hou Er softly walked in to clean the private room, fearing that he would catch his Boss’ attention.

When Hou Er picked up the painting left by Li Guizu on the table, Wen Xi said aloud: “Send that painting upstairs.”

Hou Er subconsciously glanced at Pi Xiu’s face to see his reaction, only to see his Boss pressing the touchscreen like it was his enemy. For a moment, Hou Er didn’t dare to ask whether he should listen to this mortal old ghost’s words.

When Hou Er turned to look at his brother for help, he didn’t expect that Hou San, that clever one, would stay far away from him. With his head hung high, it was as if Hou San was saying: ‘It’s none of my business. He wants someone as stupid as you to touch that painting.’

Wen Xi, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow as he leaned against Pi Xiu’s shoulder. Wen Xi’s face now showed a cold expression.

“Hiss—” Pi Xiu gasped when he felt the ice come close to his face, and the grip around Wen Xi’s waist loosened: “What is it?”

Wen Xi glanced at Hou Er lazily and said: “Tell him to take the painting upstairs. I asked him, but he didn’t listen.”

The second Hou Er heard Wen Xi’s words, he didn’t dare to move. Hou Er simply stood there, with the painting in his hands, stammering: “B-boss, I, I didn’t.”

Pi Xiu frowned at Hou Er, and when Wen Xi noticed this, he took advantage of the situation to say: “It’s alright, don’t get angry. Just ask him to send it up.”

Pi Xiu wondered why he got so angry about something like this. However, before Pi Xiu could say anything, he saw Hou Er bowing at him and then rushing out the door with the painting. Not long after, the sound of loud steps rushing up the stairs was heard.

Pi Xiu: “….”

Wen Xi was pleased with the outcome, but when he saw the other Monkey Spirit had a frightened face, Wen Xi lost interest. As he leaned on Pi Xiu, he said: “Didn’t they say that guests were coming here? Let’s go upstairs.”

“Why didn’t Li Guizu take the painting with him?” Pi Xiu stood up with Wen Xi in his arms, and walked out: “I don’t want to see Taotie’s belongings.”

Wen Xi felt that Pi Xiu was holding him as if he were a child. After struggling a bit, and with some anger surging deep inside his heart, Wen Xi said, dissatisfied: “It looks like you’re holding a child.”

Pi Xiu snorted: “Isn’t a few hundred years old ghost the same as a child next to me?”

When Mr. Pi carried the ‘child’ in his arms upstairs, he saw Hou Er standing outside the beaded curtain with the painting in his arms. As Hou Er stammered with a white face, he said: “B-boss, I, I can’t get in.”

Pi Xiu frowned: “Talk properly. I thought you were Lil Broom for a second.”

“Give me the painting.” Wen Xi reached out.

Hou Er quickly handed over the painting to Wen Xi. After seeing his Boss carrying the ghost inside, Hou Er hurried downstairs and went back to his brother.

“It scared me to death! He, he actually told Boss!” Hou Er gulped. “Boss is too fierce. He only glanced at me and my legs went soft.”

Hou San laughed at him: “He told you to grab that painting with your cheap hands.”

“I didn’t know!” Hou Er felt wronged. “If I had known he would snitch on me, I wouldn’t have hesitated.”

Hou San patted his brother on the shoulder three times: “Don’t be afraid, we are protected by labor law. Big Demons can’t eat small ones without consequences. They will have to pay a fine and receive education. Our Boss won’t risk eating us when there’s the possibility of having to pay a fine.”

Although Pixiu gathers money, he’s also the stingiest. After all, he’s famous for ‘only in, not out’ wealth. Taking money from him was not different than cutting his flesh. Otherwise, why would Pi Xiu insist on looking for the Taotie for so many years? He was extremely unwilling to give up! Not even the Cowherd and the Weaving Maid had such a long relationship6.

…

Upstairs, Wen Xi carefully spread out the scroll and thoughtfully looked at it. Recently, he had been thinking about something really strange. For some reason, Wen Xi had a feeling that both the painting as well as the jade Guanyin statue belonged to him, and both had finally been returned to him.

‘Could it really be that I know Taotie, but don’t know what he truly looks like?’

Wen Xi rubbed the edge of the painting. As his hand went down, he looked closer at the painting, feeling some confusion: “Why is there blood here….?”

Suddenly, the painting moved, and a burst of lighting came out of it.

Pi Xiu, who was in the bathroom playing with a bar of soap, heard a scream coming from the room. Startled, the soap slipped from his hand and fell to the ground.

Footnotes

脚底抹油 jiǎo dǐ mǒ yóu; It means to cut and run / to quickly remove oneself from an undesirable situation.老黄瓜刷绿漆装嫩 lǎo huáng guā shuā lǜ qī zhuāng nèn; It’s a joke. Since the cucumber loses its characteristic green color when it ages, it becomes wrinkled, hard, yellow and dull. The ‘old cucumber painted green to look young’ joke refers to an old person who wants to pretend to be young/indicates someone’s behavior that’s inappropriate for their age.舍近求远 shě jìn qiú yuǎn; Chinese idiom. It means to take a wrong path or pursue something that’s impractical / be careless for the present and scheme for the future / seek far and neglect what lies close at hand. From《孟子·离娄上》by (孟子 mèng zǐ) Mencius [372-289 BC] from the Warring States period [475-221 BC].老树开花 lǎo shù kāi huā; It refers to the new development of old things.老房子着火 lǎo fáng zi zháo huǒ; This phrase originates from《围城》by (钱钟书 qián zhōng shū) Qian Zhongshu [1910-1998]. It’s used to describe old people in love, who, like an old house on fire, cannot be put out. Originally, this phrase had a neutral meaning, but in recent years, it’s increasingly used with a derogatory meaning.牛郎织女 niú láng zhī nǚ; The ‘Cowherd and Weaving Maid’ is a romantic Chinese folk tale. The story tells of the romance between Zhinu (the weaver maid) and Niulang (the cowherd). Their love wasn’t allowed, and thus, they were banished to opposite sides of the Heavenly River (symbolizing the Milky Way). Once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh lunar month, a flock of magpies would form a bridge to reunite the lovers for a single day.