Savage Divinity

Seated in my lap, Lin leans back and presses her cheek against mine while I hug her close, enjoying the fresh scent of ground herbs and soothing warmth emanating from her petite, delicate frame. Light as a feather, she settles into my embrace with a contented sigh before falling still and silent, her slow breath brushing ever so softly against my skin. So trusting and unguarded, it takes every ounce of self-control I have to leave her be instead of tickling her sides until she can’t breathe, or faking a fart so she’ll laugh herself silly. As darling as her petulant scowls and furious frowns might be, it’s Lin’s bright smile which I love the most, making up the sun, moon, and stars in the sky of my heart.

“Hubby, how come I don’t feel anything?”

...Oof. Words no man ever wants to hear, regardless of the circumstances. There goes the tattered remains of my pride and self-esteem, but at least we’re in a private setting. Before I can answer, my sweet, innocent wifey turns to Luo-Luo and asks, “Do you feel anything?”

Breasts pressed against my arm, Luo-Luo blushes and averts her eyes at the inadvertent innuendo, but her shaky, mirth-filled voice gives her away. “No Lin-Lin, Luo-Luo does not feel a thing.”

“How about you Li-Li? Did you feel anything?”

“No.” Huddled with Banjo and Baloo on the other side of her tea table, Song’s cat ears lay flat on her head while she rests her chin atop the sleeping bears nestled in her lap, brow furrowed and lips pouty as she watches me with predatory focus. Under the table, her bare foot brushes against mine ever so slightly as if terrified the mere touch of skin to skin contact will be too alluring for me to resist, especially while the four of us are alone in her yurt. “I felt nothing,” Song says, her disappointment clear. “Were it not for the Abbot, I would not have even known anything happened.”

Resisting the urge to gnaw on Lin’s shoulder for setting off this deluge of ambiguous and distressful statements, I roll my eyes and explain, “For starters, you need to have Spectres before I can Devour any, which none of you do.” At least not anymore, according to the Abbot. It wasn’t just Song, because apparently Luo-Luo picked up a hitchhiker or three before the battle began, but it too disappeared into my broken Core to never be seen or heard from again. “Besides, I’m pretty sure the whole process doesn’t include a tactile response, else I or someone else would’ve noticed by now.”

“Mm... True.” Turning in my lap to sit sideways, Lin snuggles in closer while looking up with her big, brown eyes, so wide and clear I could get lost in them for days. “Hubby, I’m scared of Spectres, so I’m gonna stay with you alllll the time now, ya? You come sleep in my yurt, just to be safe.”

So charmed by her request and tempted by visions of night-time activities, I open my mouth to agree before my brain lurches out of the gutter and catches on to her nefarious game. “No wifey, you will not be joining me on the outer wall, because not only will I feel better with you safe in camp, I also don’t have the authority to bring you with me, so too bad.”

Puffing her cheeks to chipmunk proportions, Lin scowls and mutters, “Stupid Rainy,” and I graciously pretend not to hear while inwardly delighting at her devious cunning. It’s always been there, lurking just behind her adorably charming smile and childish innocence, a colder, more calculating mindset which never blinked when loosing arrows at delicious bunnies and other delectable and lovable prey. It’s not that she hides the darker part of her personality, but rather it’s intertwined so closely with the rest of her that it’s hard to tell where the innocence ends and the darkness begins. Food is food, pets are pets, and she makes the distinction much easier than I can, able to snuggle with Mama Bun while eating skewers of grilled rabbit meat while smiling in unconflicted contentment.

Sweet and bloodthirsty, that’s my little wifey, and I love her to bits for it.

Honestly, even with her staying in camp, I’m still worried for Lin’s safety. Being stationed inside the fort walls means everyone is safer from the Defiled, but it puts us in a dangerous position should our ‘allies’ turn on us. If Nian Zu is somehow distracted or incapacitated, whether it be by traitorous schemes or Enemy antics, that would leave Watanabe and his goons free to make trouble for my people in camp, meaning Lin, Luo-Luo, and my Death Corps Honour Guard. Alsantset and the others should be safe, but because of how efficient and impressive her quin riders proved themselves, they’ll likely be called upon to muster out at the first sign of a Defiled force approaching, which means there will be exactly zero Officers in camp to protect my people. Watanabe could literally order his soldiers to run straight through my camp with weapons swinging and claim the situation was so dire he couldn’t wait for my people to move out of the way. It would likely cost him his rank in the end, not to mention a hefty fine to replace my Honour Guard, but I doubt he’d get more than a slap on the wrist with the crooked Disciplinary Corps looking the other way.

It’s aggravating to think the Justicars believe they’re carrying out justice while railroading me like this. I’d file a complaint, but it’d probably just go to another of Jixing’s lackeys and the Justicars will be found innocent of all charges. I can see it now. ‘We’ve investigated our actions and cleared ourselves of all wrongdoing.’ Who judges the Justicars? Who?

...Whom? No, that doesn’t sound right.

Cutting short my confused inner rant, Happy barges in without knocking while dragging a dishevelled and disoriented Altan alongside him, Yan’s little friend from the orphanage and a stalwart soldier of my (former) retinue. Closing the door behind him, the Abbot strides in last and leaves Kuang Biao and Lin’s veiled guards to keep watch outside, though I wouldn’t put it past Guard Leader’s arrogant underlings to have someone hidden inside the yurt without letting us know. “Up on your feet now,” Happy says, grinning from ear to ear while keeping the guests by the door and away from me. “This time, do it slower if you don’t mind.”

Suppressing a sigh, I try my best not to sound rude or snippy. “I don’t have control over the speed. I’m not even actively doing anything. It just happens.” We’ve already Cleansed the people who were worst off like Awdar, Ulfsaar, and a few others, but it seems like Happy and the Abbot intend to bring every single Tainted person from my retinue and Alsantset’s in for Cleansing.

I’m just glad they aren’t abducting random, Spectre-infused soldiers, though I have no doubt they’ll eventually get there.

Waving aside my excuses, the Abbot interjects, “Not actively, but it is highly possibly you are reacting in a passive or instinctive manner. Calm your mind and focus on nothing, yet be aware of every action, every thought, every emotion and sensation so you can better experience and describe the process.”

Thoroughly confused, Altan sneaks a glance at Song and asks, “Uh... What’s happening here?” Aw, he’s blushing. He’s got a crush on her. That’s adorable, but I will end him if he makes a move on her.

“Patience and silence would be much appreciated, young warrior,” Happy admonishes, not even looking at Altan while gesturing for me to get on with it. Gently sliding Lin off my lap, I groan with the force of a senior citizen while pushing myself to my feet, feeling the aches and pains after days of riding my rickshaw over dirt trails and grass fields. After shuffling over to the far end of the yurt, I turn to face Altan who stands between the Abbot and Happy while they wait for my signal, so I figure it’s best to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Who knows how many other Tainted individuals are waiting outside the yurt...

Taking deep breaths to calm my mind, I close my eyes and draw my awareness inwards, stopping one step short of reaching for Balance and the agonizing pain which comes with it. Once there, I nod to signal the Abbot and Happy while recording every detail I perceive. Darkness from behind my eyelids, the warmth of the brazier, the weight of my cloak hanging heavy on my shoulders, nothing really jumps out and says ‘Devouring’. There’s no emptiness within, no rush of Spectres without, no sensation of flow, suction, or any movement whatsoever, just me standing in Song’s yurt with my eyes closed and wondering how many Spectres I’ll have to passively Devour before the Abbot lets me go to sleep.

Happy’s delighted giggles gives the ending away and I open my eyes to see Altan’s discomforted expression only centimetres away from my face, straining against Happy’s steely grip and terrified of what might happen next. Even though I expected as much, I still instinctively flinch away from the young warrior, unhappy to have my personal space so egregiously violated and inwardly dying at the thought of what rumours will crop up after today. I mean, just think about it: me standing here with eyes closed while two eunuch monks force a young man closer and closer towards my face...

“Nothing,” I report once again, as I have almost a dozen times before. Undeterred by this failure, Happy drags the confused orphan Sentinel out the door with a perfunctory thanks before coming back inside with Lang Er, who stands stoically without a care in the world as if this were all perfectly normal. Again, I close my eyes and focus my thoughts, and when I hear Happy’s giggling away for a second time, I keep my eyes closed and say, “Nothing.”

I can see why Jorani calls him Happy. Dude legitimately enjoys life and finds joy in almost everything. It’s an enviable mindset, and his exuberant smile always brightens my day, though I kinda wish he’d stop hiding his giant rooster and let me play with it for a bit.

...That’s what she said. Ha! Eunuchs with a giant cock, I still can’t get over that.

The Penitent Brotherhood are nothing if not stubborn, which I suppose they have to be considering their outlook on life in general, so we continue this ‘experiment’ several more times with the other Tainted members of my retinue, of whom there are more than I’m really comfortable with. Lang Er was no surprise, but Altan is a new face who likely succumbed to the Enemy’s whispers just this week after Tomor and Mugi became an item. My sympathies go out to the lonely, heartbroken young man, but I doubt anything would’ve come of his Spectral infection. The People are made of sterner stuff than most of the Empire, and I bet Altan would’ve been fine after another week or so of moping around. I mean, he’s still one of the most outstanding youths of his generation, not including me, Mila, Yan, Song, Huu, and a few other superlative Sentinels, and the ladies love a young hero, so I’m sure he’ll find another lady love to moon over soon enough.

As long as it’s not Song. That’s just setting the poor boy up for another round of heartache, so maybe I should warn him off. I mean, Song froze up like a deer in headlights when Happy grabbed her by the shoulders, and I can only imagine how she’ll react to a confession. I can see it now, Altan shyly expressing his feelings of love only for her to retreat and draw her sabre in warning. Not what you want to see, and the shock might even be enough to turn poor Altan full Demon. Then again... what if she’s receptive to his advances? She’s wary of men in general, but she’s gotten a lot better of late, and even though she had a traumatic past, it doesn’t mean she’ll never recover and will always hate men. I mean, it probably won’t go well for Altan if he tries to make a move, but Song can take care of herself and deserves to make her own decision on the matter, so who am I to interfere?

Okay fine, I’m utterly infatuated with Song and feel intensely jealous at the thought of her with someone else. Is that really so terrible? I can’t control who I have a crush on, and it’s not like I’ll do anything. For one, Mila would kill me, and then Akanai would kill me, and then Husolt would most definitely kill me, so yea.

Putting aside my feelings for now, I concentrate on the task at hand which means standing with my eyes closed while the monks bring Tainted individuals over and watch me Devour the Spectres. No one knows what we’re doing besides Song, Lin, and Luo-Luo, but only because I haven’t had time to tell Alsantset about it. While I’m doing my best to temper expectations, the mere fact that I’m still able to Devour is just fantastic news, the best I’ve heard in forever. If I can Devour Spectres and have been doing it all this time, then it means I have a source of Heavenly Energy just sitting inside me waiting to be Cleansed and harvested. With Heavenly Energy, I could probably Heal my Core, which means all I need is Water Chi to Cleanse Spectres and get this whole thing going. I’ve got a few gourds of Chi Tea, which the Abbot says is just Water Chi by a different name, so as soon as I figure out how to pour Chi Tea into my broken Core, then I’ll be well on the way to recovery.

There’s still a lot to puzzle through and issues to deal with, like the minor fact that I have a possible army of Spectres chilling inside me and I have no idea what they’re up to, but this is the first real, tangible sign of metaphysical recovery I’ve seen, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel good to have hope again. I spent the last three months believing I would recover to full strength given time, but now I actually have an actual, credible lead to follow as opposed to just promising options to pursue. A difference almost without distinction, but faith feels so much better when backed by fact.

Seventeen Tainted warriors later, my feet are sore and my knees ready to give out, but the worst part is I only have the monks’ word that something is happening. I don’t feel a process, I don’t feel better, I don’t feel more murderous, and there’s been no change whatsoever, but Happy and the Abbot are unrelenting. When they bring in the next patient, my stomach somersaults in protest as I greet the newcomer with a strained smile. “Hi Huu.”

“Uhn.” Responding with a non-committal grunt, my old friend glances around the yurt with a wary gaze, his wolfish eyes noting every detail and obstruction. There’s no smile or nod, no proffered hand or opened arms, just an inarticulate noise made to acknowledge my greeting, a far cry from the happy reunion I’d hoped to have. Bigger than I remember, Huu stands head, shoulders, and chest above me, a towering Sentinel who has to hunch over so not as to bump into the ceiling, and wide enough that he has to turn sideways to get through the door. Poking out from over his shoulder, Huu’s massive saber almost looks too dainty for him to use, but he still has yet to bind a second weapon despite my standing offer to supply one ever since we got back from Sanshu. Probably so he wouldn’t owe the Tainted foundling anything, which is... a reason, but it feels like forever ago when we sat together in the same room and shared a drink or three.

In his defence, ever since he lost his Uncle Kalil and his quin Jaga, Huu hasn’t really been the same, and finding out I was almost Defiled probably didn’t help things much, so I can understand why he ghosted me, even though I’m not particularly happy about it.

Finished taking in his surroundings, Huu’s gaze finally meets mine as he asks, “So? The monks said you needed to see me.”

...Do I tell him? Or should I just ask him to play along and keep quiet about his Spectres? Gotta say, I’m tempted to spill the beans, but not for the right reasons. I want him to realize he made a mistake and feel bad about abandoning our friendship over something I had no control over, and I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t feel good about throwing this in his face, but that won’t change things. I’m still bitter and he probably still won’t want to be my friend, so telling him would just be unnecessary cruelty.

Clearing my throat, I just shake my head and say, “Please follow the Abbot’s instructions and we’ll be done soon enough.”

A tired yawn clues me in to an unseen guest, but after looking around the yurt three times for signs of Concealment, I realize the hidden party was brought in by Huu. Literally brought in, as the smelly old half-wolf geezer pokes his head out from behind Huu’s other shoulder, lounging in his adult-sized sling without a care in the world. “Answer the question boy,” he says, scratching at his scraggly white beard with an irritated grimace. “What you need the pup fer?”

Happy and the Abbot are no help, leaving the decision to me. Asking the Abbot to explain through Sending feels like too much of a cop out, so I choose my words carefully and explain, “We’re... conducting an experiment regarding my... rehabilitation and Huu might be able to help. It won’t take long, just a minute of his time and then we’re done.”

“Hmph.” Eyeing me with undisguised suspicion, the old half-wolf geezer asks, “This have to do with yer Talent? What do ye call it? Suckin’?”

Oh for fucks sake... “Devouring.” How many other people know about it? Is he another one of the mysterious bigwigs behind the People like Guard Leader? I mean, he’s old enough for the job, but he doesn’t strike me as management material. Dirty and dishevelled, I’d pegged him for the village slacker due to his favoured means of transportation and love of sleeping, unwilling to even ride a quin and preferring to be piggybacked like a child. To be fair, it looks kinda fun, and since I’m only a little taller than the old wolf is, I could probably get away with doing the same. Strap a harness on Huu’s back and we could go into war together, with him sweeping away the chaff while I fire spring-powered bullets at Defiled leadership, an unstoppable duo for the history books.

...Except Unity wouldn’t have survived the trip to Sinuji, much less an attempt to fire it, not to mention how Huu and I aren’t that close anymore. Reality sucks.

“Well?”

Well what? Oh right, I didn’t answer his question, but if I do, it’s giving Huu’s Tainted status away. Instead of answering, I ask Huu, “How much do you trust him?”

“Unconditionally.”

My old friend answers without hesitation, so after studying him for a moment longer, I sigh and nod. “Yea, it has to do with Devouring.”

“Okay then.” Patting Huu on the head, the old geezer says, “Let’s go pup.”

“...Good sir, if you would please wait.” Polite as can be, the Abbot blocks the doorway and offers a half bow in apology. “Perhaps you are unclear, but this experiment can only be beneficial to Khishig Huushal here.”

“Says you.” With Huu’s back turned to, I get to see the old geezer tuck himself back into his sling, which looks oh so snug and comfy. “Sure, maybe the boy can handle any Spectres the pup’s got on him now, but what happens after the boy dies? With luck on his side, the pup’ll outlive the boy a few hundred years, and them Spectres ain’t going nowhere, so it’s best he learn to deal with the Father’s whisperers now before the pup’s too old and set in his ways. Lose an uncle and a mount and the boy goes to pieces, Pei. Too fragile, these young’uns, but we work with what we’ve got.”

“You knew about the Spectres already?”

“Yes.” Turning around to face me, I can see the shame and regret in Huu’s eyes, his pain and fury lurking just beneath the surface and burning to be unleashed, but he reins it in tight with his iron will. “It has been difficult, but I am managing my affliction. I ask that you leave my Spectres alone, for this is the path I’ve chosen, to use them as a forge wherein I can temper my mettle. I will endure, or I will break, such is life. No need to worry, because if the latter should take place, then Great, Great, Great... Great Grand-Mentor here will put me down before I hurt anyone.”

Without waiting for an answer, Huu shoulders his way past the Abbot and leaves Song’s yurt, his head raised high and shoulders squared as he carries his burden with grace. I don’t mean the old half-wolf, because I know first-hand how difficult life with the Spectres can be, but Huu is facing them head-on despite knowing there’s an easier way out. Is this why he’s been avoiding me? Why I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since he left Sanshu? Because he knew I could Devour Spectres and didn’t want me to mess up his ‘training’?

...

Or has he been avoiding everyone because he doesn’t want to infect them with his Spectres? I mean... I heard he was often out in the wilderness training with Ghurda, so maybe it wasn’t just me...

“Hmm.” Intruding upon my revelation, the Abbot says, “What he said is not without reason. Perhaps this is why Junior Brother’s retinue holds so many susceptible individuals, because their willpower has no chance to be tested.” Lips pursed in thought, he sighs and says, “This monk will ponder on this during meditation, but for now, perhaps Junior Brother should get some rest; the night is late and your health is of the utmost importance.” Before I can point out he’s the reason I’m not asleep yet, the Abbot makes his escape with Happy close behind, leaving Lin, Song, and Luo-Luo and myself to clean up the dirt and mud splattered across Song’s floor.

Many hands make light work, so soon enough, I crawl into my tent and find Mama Bun already fast asleep beneath the covers. Tucked in her arms is sweet baby Blackjack, and the sight of them snuggling together is almost enough to make up for Mama Bun’s unwillingness to move aside and make room. Such are the sacrifices we make for the ones we love, so I crawl into bed and lay at a bent angle while doing my best not to think about the horrific nightmares to come.

I don’t mean actual nightmares, or the horrors of war either. Collecting Spectres is the first step to get better, but since my Devour range has been nerfed to ‘touch’ only, this means that if I want to go about Cleansing Sinuji and collecting Spectres, then I’ll need to be proactive about it, which means using ‘celebrity’ status to set up a meet and greet with various strangers so I can make small talk and shake their hands.

Ugh. I would rather march out to fight the Defiled with only a rusty knife. Meeting new people is the worst...

Chapter Meme