Episode 59 – There’s No Way I Could Understand the Words of the Person I Admire

“Like me…….”
Aigou san’s expression became cloudy as she said that.

Her eyes were not lit up and she was staring at the glass of cold water that my childhood friend had brought.
I felt that there was something in her that I shouldn’t touch, and I just gulped down my saliva.

Of course, I was curious about what had happened.
Despite her dignified appearance, I was curious about Aigou san who always smiled at me. Whether she liked it or not.

However, if I hear that, I might not even be able to see where my feelings are going,……so i’m afraid.

A moment of silence passed.
Meanwhile, another waiter brought Aigou san a cup of hot coffee.

She bowed to the waiter, received the hot coffee as it arrived, put sugar in the coffee, and stirred it with a spoon.

“Being alone……is so lonely.”
She said that as she stared at the cup, which made a light clattering sound.

Loneliness …….
I don’t know if it’s the same thing I have, but she feels lonely. She’s surrounded by people, but she can’t fit in with them.

“I used to work at an editorial office in Tokyo before I came to my current job. The thing I dreamed of was ruined, but I’ve spent all this time thinking that this job would eventually bring me closer to what I had dreamed of.”

“Dream ……?”
I repeat Aigou san’s words “dream”.

“That’s right, I want to publish my novels to the world. I want to make my novels famous and have them featured in various media, such as movies, dramas, and even animations. I want to create works that reach people’s hearts. That’s how I’ve been working.”
She continued speaking while clenching her coffee cup tightly.
I just listened in silence.

“Then, before I knew it, I started hitting people so hard that my coworkers began to avoid me. I was alone at work and alone at home. Many days went by like that. And it just wore away at my energy, and everything started to go wrong.”

“Is it because you feel lonely?”
I interrupted her.
I didn’t want to know how she had gotten that way, but I was curious, so I asked while trying not to be too obvious.

“Well……. I didn’t care because I had aspirations, dreams, and goals, and when I found out that people around me hated me, it broke my heart. That’s when Tamio san asked me if I wanted to come over here. I had my grandmother and relatives here, so I thought it would be a good fit. Isn’t that pathetic?”
I shook my head at Aigou san who smiled embarrassedly after saying that.

“At first, when things didn’t go well, I thought it was my fault and I worked hard. I even ignore what other people say……. But in the end, I was just being arrogant, and pretended to be strong.”
Aigou san stopped talking for a moment and looked up.
Her eyes were lonely and looked as if she would break at any moment.

It’s not that I don’t understand what she meant.
There are times when I felt the same way, even though we had different problems.

And that’s my mother’s existence…..

Since my father died, I have lived my life thinking that I have to support my mother.

That’s why I’ve always put my family first, without worrying about the people around me. Karate and novels were only a part of that, and I continued them desperately so that my mother wouldn’t be troubled

But now that my mother was married to my step father, she has someone to support her without me having to step in. If that’s the case, then there’s no point in continuing my novels, someone like me who has little desire for approval.

That’s why I can’t concentrate on writing novels these days. That’s why I felt similar feelings to Aigou san.

But there was one thing that bothered me.
And that was……

“Um, did you ever think of…..dating? You know, like Tamio san or …….”
The obvious solution to loneliness is to connect with others.

Like family, friends, and lovers.
Moreover, there’s someone like Tamio san who says that they like women with high specs.

I don’t think anyone would be fine, but at least Aigou san seemed to trust him.
Aside from her attitude toward him……

She was at a loss for words when I asked her, and she hesitated when she tried to say something. After waiting a while for her to speak, Aigou san nodded as if she had made up her mind.

“you know, I have someone that I waited for …….”
I was shocked by the words uttered by Aigou san.

From my point of view, she was someone I admire.
Of course, I understand that there’s an age gap and that I am only a novelist in charge, but I was still shocked…….

“I’m talking about a guy two years younger that I used to date. When I was the same age as you are now, I had a dream to go to a university in Tokyo. When we parted, he said…. [I’m not going after you ! !] that’s terrible, right?”
With a bitter smile on her face, she reminisced. I just kept listening to her story.

“My real dream was to be a screenwriter, and he didn’t want to interfere with that….. But then he said [But with the way I am, I’m just going to be in your way ! ! so please keep shining]…. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I’m also a fool for believing him and waiting for that person who’s on a different path……. Maybe he might already be married to someone else……..”
I can see a few tears on Aigou san’s face as she speaks self-deprecatingly. I do think she’s an idiot.

Until today, I’ve never heard of anyone who would wait and believe such words. But I shook my head at her words.

Perhaps it’s the spell she has cast over her.
She’s a very single-minded person. I can’t make fun of that, because I’ve always turned my back on people.

“That’s why I don’t like senpai who continue to like me, who’s such an idiot, ever since I was in college… Because I look really stupid.”
Aigou san looked at me seriously with tears in her eyes.

“So I want you to …… not turn away from people’s kindness and favors. So I don’t want you to end up like me….

Hearing those words, I just fell silent. I could feel the weight of those painful words…..