We Monsters Are Not Allowed to Be Single

This was going to be a sleepless night.

With siren wailing, a Police van drove away with Xu Meifang’s body. After her husband regained consciousness, he was also going to the Police station.

Wang Qin and Zhao Heng stayed behind to take care of any loose ends at the scene.

He remained silent for a while after hearing the voice recording Jiang Lan sent to him. His worst speculations about this case were nothing compared with the cold hard truth. The evil of the human heart always went beyond the imagination.

When Jiang Lan found him, he and Zhao Heng were chain-smoking beside a flower bed. Sadness could still be seen on his face when he greeted Jiang Lan.

“We can’t thank you enough. If not for you guys, the truth about her death will probably remain hidden forever.”

Even the Police officers were amazed by Xu Meifang and her friends’ audacity. The scariest thing about the whole thing was that they almost succeeded in covering up the truth.

“It’s our duty.”

Jiang Lan smiled.” I only hope that you could bring justice to her and clear her name as soon as possible. So she may rest in peace.”

“You can count on that.”

After snuffing his cigarette butt, Zhao Heng rose up.” Tan Zhi has already turned herself in and named Xie Guizhen as her accomplice. My colleagues have been to her home.”

“Tan Zhi was in the car, a little neurotic right now.” Wang Qin motioned towards the Police car parked here with his chin. A look of disgust flickered across his face.” Her sense of guilt had perhaps driven her mad.”

Jiang Lan looked through the car windows and could vaguely pick out her figure shrunk into the shadow.

He didn’t tell Wang Qin that her current state was not the result of her sense of guilt. It was the Red Devil Umbrella who drove her crazy.

Among the three people, the main culprit Xu Meifang was dead. One of the accomplices, Tan Zhi, was crazy. There was only Xie Guizhen left. 

Even though she hadn’t made her appearance yet, Jiang Lan could hardly imagine she was in a better state. 

While they were talking, a group of officers was escorting Xie Guizhen out of the building. Handcuffed, she looked numbed with shock when getting on the van. Her family followed them and tried to talk to the officers in the vain hope that there might be a misunderstanding.

Wang Qin rose up, ready to leave. After a pause, he asked Jiang Lan.”The people behind Chen Ruomei’s death were all accounted for. What about the Red Devil Umbrella…..?

He thought perhaps those Red Devil Umbrellas will be appeased by the arrests they made.

Jiang Lan patted his shoulder.” You go back now. We will take care of the rest.”

At this point, Wang Qin seemed to have total faith in him. He left after asking Jiang Lan to take care.

Jiang Lan raised his head to look at Xu Meifang’s windows.

Those red spores hadn’t dispersed yet, still floating around the windows.

Wang Qin thought that those things were Chen Ruomei’s ghost seeking revenge. Now the culprits will be brought to justice. The revenge should be at an end.

But it was not so.

Chen Ruomei was only the beginning of these, and those Red Devil Umbrellas were not acting out of selfless motives. Judging by the floating spores, Jiang Lan thought they hadn’t finished their business here.

Jiang Lan was ready to take a look at Xu Meifang’s home. But because he was now acting the role of a little monster with low cultivation, he couldn’t appear to be fearless in front of Ying Qiao.

He walked over to Ying Qiao, pretending to be curious while being a little afraid. He pointed to the windows on the sixth floor.” Those spores haven’t left yet. How about we take a look?”

Cheng Hua answered immediately.” Fine, let’s go.”

The little monster wants to take a look. How can I say no?

Of course, I can’t.

So Cheng Hua took the lead with Ying Qiao and Jiang Lan following behind shoulder to shoulder. They went to the sixth floor again.

At this moment, the curious crowd had long disappeared. Probably because one of the residents was dead, every household in this building had shut the door tight. [1] When they were taking the elevator, they didn’t see a single person.

The moment the elevator door was open, countless spores rushed into the elevators. Taking a look outside, they saw the redness of different shades permeating every corner of the corridor. It was unclear if the residents in this building had already known about the anomalies in their corridors. But from the moment they stepped out of the elevator, they didn’t hear a single sound.

The silence was very unnerving.

Cheng Hua sneered.” We haven’t even arrived, and it has already declared war on us.”

Jiang Lan.” I have seen many aggressive monsters like this, but they all ended up dead.”

All ended up in his stomach, to be more precise.

Ying Qiao raised his eyebrow and agreed.” Looks like one more monster will follow them today.”

At this moment, the red mist started spiraling, followed by many long and thin mushroom threads[2] extending from somewhere deep in the corridor. Those mushroom threads twisted together to form a boy’s figure, who pointed to them with one hand while another hand placed on his waist.” How dare you!! In the presence of Ben Jun[3], you have no other choice but to die!”

Perhaps because the appearance of a child figure was a little unexpected, the three of them were all at a loss for words.

It was Cheng Hua who first reacted. He rolled his eyes.” It turned out to be a small boy who dared to call himself Ben Jun when he wasn’t even a grown-up!”

“When I beat you, don’t say I bully a small boy.”

Cheng Hua found his weakness with pinpoint precision. The small boy whose height barely reached their knees stomped his feet, and countless Red Devil Umbrellas obeyed his wish and rushed forward to lift him up. Now his height was well above theirs.

The small boy declared war on them with glee.” Now you come forward if you dare. I will knock out your teeth.”

“Little Umbrella, stop this nonsense. Invite our guests inside, please.”

A woman’s gentle voice came from somewhere deep in the corridor.

She called the little boy “Little Umbrella.”

He put on an angry look, but he obviously always obeyed that voice. Reining in his anger, he said to them in a reluctant voice.” You heard her, my sister wants to see you, now follow me.”

At that moment, his mushroom threads all withdrew, with only Little Umbrella on the ground leading the way, acting like a person.

Xu Meifang’s home was at the far end of the corridor.

When they reached the door, it opened from the inside.

After Xu Meifang’s death, her husband went to the Police station. Their flat was now occupied by the Red Devil Umbrella sister and her little brother.

At this time, a full moon was in the sky, but all the windows were shut tight. All the furnishings were still in place, but the whole flat was pervaded by a fishy smell. The floating red spores gave the entire place other-worldly vibes.

“My guests, please take a seat.”

Many mushroom threads twisted to form a hand, which proceeded to pour three cups of tea and placed the cups before them.

It looked like they were acting in a civil manner.

If monsters other than the three of them were present, they would temporarily suspend their hostility if their enemy acted like this.

But the three of them were not ordinary monsters.

Cheng Hua complained.” I don’t dare to drink this even if you have the idea to pour this stuff for us. Who knows if these are poisonous?”

Little Umbrella jumped up at this.” How dare you insult us like this.”

Cheng Hua pushed him away and walked towards the bedroom.” The guests are here. It’s time for the host to make an appearance.”

When they were approaching the bedroom, the floating mushroom threads instantly went to the doorway and weaved a web blocking the door while some mushroom threads formed a mouth, which said in an angry tone.”You guys are so unreasonable! Those three women killed Chen Ruomei, whose anger in death woke us up to seek revenge for her. We did the right thing! We have no quarrel with you. Why don’t your guys leave us alone?”

Jiang Lan spoke.” Where do you come from? How come you are so ignorant of the law? Now we have the rule of law. It’s not your place to mete out justice. And what’s your purpose in releasing so many spores into the air and using more humans as hosts? Do you plan to use living people as a reserve food source? Do you really intend to kill Xu Meifang only?”

Jiang Lan was very familiar with the concept of the reserve food source! So he knew what was going on in Red Devil Umbrella’s head.

It looked like he guessed right because that mouth didn’t contradict him. After a while, this mouth added.” Those hosts deserve it. They have viciousness in their heart and spread rumors.”

“So you can use them as fertilizers?”

Jiang Lan said.” They did the wrong thing, but they didn’t deserve to die.”

“As for you, you have violated the Monster Bureau regulations and need to come with us.”

The Little Umbrella jumped up at this.” What are the Monster Bureau Regulations? What’s the Monster Bureau? We have never heard about it. You can’t fool us!!”

He talked like a machine gun before his sister put a stop to this, shouting angrily.”Stop talking.”

The Little Umbrella.”…..”

Did I say something wrong?

“Wow, illegal Resident[4]!” Jiang Lan was suddenly very excited.” Catching illegal residents comes with an extra bonus!”

Ying Qiao had so far stayed silent. When he saw Jiang Lan’s pleased look, he glanced at the door.” You also want the bonus?”

Jiang Lan’s eyes widened in alarm.” It was me who found Tan Zhi. I should have a share in the bonus according to the rule.”

Jiang Lan glanced at Cheng Hua with a little worry, thinking to himself that he had abandoned the idea of hogging the bonus. Cheng Hua should at least have the courtesy to reserve a share for him.

If I can’t hog the prize, a small share is acceptable!

“Of course, we should share.” Ying Qiao had already picked a side.” It was you who found the case and clues. You should have the biggest share.”

Considering the Little Monster is so poor, I think it is perfectly all right to give the entire bonus to him.

Throwing a cold glance at Cheng Hua, he said with a smile.” Relax, my boss will apply the bonus for you.”

Cheng Hua.”…………”

What are you taking me for? An emotionless tool who obeys your every wish?

They loudly talked about sharing a bonus in front of the Red Devil Umbrellas as if they didn’t exist. The Red Devil Umbrellas felt insulted and erupted in rage. The Little Umbrella jumped up like a cannonball. When he reached the height of a ceiling light, he exploded into countless red spores, shooting towards the three.

↑1Chinese people believe death brings bad luck. They avoid mentioning death at all costs. If neighbors died, they would shut the door to ward off evil spirits.↑2Original Text is 菌丝, means the mushroom threads or string. No similar words exist in English, I will refer to them as mushroom threads↑3The original text is 本君, 本means my in this context, 君 means grace or honor in this context. This archaic usage had long gone out of fashion. It was used by ancient Chinese leisure class such as scholars and officials or anyone who was not engaged in manual work to address themselves. Even they rarely use this presumptuous word to address themselves, prefer to call themselves 鄙人(means shabby person) or 在下( Below you), because they are modest.↑4

TL’s note: as mentioned in previous chapters, every monster needs to register their information with the Monster Bureau to become a legal resident

These spores were different from those spores floating outside. They acted like they had a will of their own and were very aggressive. In an instant, these spores formed a web to cover them inside.

Cheng Hua snorted, and a soft white light appeared around him to fend off those spores. He drew his sword and brought it down on the door.

The bedroom door was so well-defended must mean the Red Devil Umbrella’s real body[1]was inside.

Seeing that they couldn’t get close to Cheng Hua, those spores shifted their attack towards Jiang Lan and Ying Qiao.

Ying Qiao stood in front of Jiang Lan, protecting him while comforting him in a whisper.” If you are afraid, you can return to your original form and hide inside my pocket.”

He calculated that if the Little Monster’s little brother was adorable, then the Little Monster’s original form must be even cuter.

It was a pity that the Little Monster had never shown him his original form.

“I am not afraid.”

Jiang Lan stood with him back to back in a defensive position.

He actually wanted to tell Ying Qiao that his original form will scare the hell out of you. So perish your dangerous thoughts.

His refusal disappointed Ying Qiao a little. So he turned his attention to those spores. The honorable Ying Dragon was naturally not afraid of these spores. A swish of his sleeves will wipe this filthy stuff out.

But he was just an ordinary snake monster now; he had to act the part.

While sheltering Jiang Lan with his body, Ying Qiao spat out a water mist from his mouth. This water mist was highly corrosive. Once it came into contact with the spores, they were turned into red liquid and dropped to the ground.

But the water mist had a minimal effect on the spores because of the spore’s overwhelming number. The gaps caused by the water mist were filled again with red spores.

“This is your snake monster’s specialty?” Jiang Lan turned to him in curiosity.

Ying Qiao retracted his forked snake tongue he just conjured up while lying to Jiang Lan without a blink———–Now he had mastered the key to making up a convincing story, which is to sprinkle your lies with the right amount of truth.

“Yes, I am good at controlling water. But the space is so small here that I can’t deploy it.”

Jiang Lan nodded his agreement with a serious look.” Yes, indeed, space is too confined to make proper use of our skills. Otherwise, my original form will take care of them quickly.”

They wholeheartedly bought the lies they told to each other. Then, they focused on dealing with those spores.

Cheng Hua had already managed to cut down the door. When he kicked open the door, he saw two big Red Devil Umbrellas were on the bed. One was tall enough to reach the waist, while the short one barely reached the knee. Their caps were as big as a stone grinder, and their bodies had the shine of a red gemstone.

Cheng Hua looked at the dark red solid blood on the bed.” No wonder you are this big, but it seems Xu Meifang’s blood is not enough now?”

Perhaps because of the broken barrier, the Red Devil Umbrella sister shed off her civil manner and put on a vicious look.” It will be enough if I add the blood of you three.”

Then the mushroom cap broke from the middle, and countless mushroom threads gushed out like a spider laying its snaring web.

Cheng Hua nimbly stepped aside to dodge the attack while quickly igniting two evil-dispelling Fu and shoved them inside the splitting mushroom cap.

The flame went up the second it met the mushroom threads. The sister screamed, and the waving threads became even more frenzy. Seeing his sister was taking a hit, the Little Umbrella again turned into human form and pounced on Jiang Lan.

A moment ago, he had come to the conclusion that the person wielding a sword was the most powerful among them while the two hiding behind were just mediocre, and the white skin looked easy to deal with because the person beside him followed closely, taking care to protect him.

Countless mushroom threads extended from his fingertips, trying to catch Jiang Lan to use as a bargaining chip.

Ying Qiao had already perceived his intention and moved to intercept them with a hard look.

But Jiang Lan took a step forward, blocking his way, and said in an excited voice.” You help Boss Chen, I will handle him.”

Then he turned to smile at Ying Qiao, flashing his shining white teeth.

The Little Monster seemed very eager for a fight. Ying Qiao had no choice but to withdraw.

Once cubs decide to show off their power, parents shouldn’t interfere but back them up. A quote from Ying Qiao’s parenting book.

His eyes followed Jiang Lan’s every movement, taking care not to let him slip out of his sight.

But Jiang Lan deliberately tried to leave his sight. With shining eyes, he moved deftly around the Little Umbrella while trying to chat with him.” I heard Yun Province[2] produces outstanding mushrooms, famed for their taste.”

Little Umbrella.”????”

What the hell is he talking about?

Jiang Lan continued to mumble to himself.” I have never been to Yun Province and had never tasted the yummy mushrooms.”

The Little Umbrella had a bad feeling about this.

Sure enough, Jiang Lan executed a deceptive move, pretending he could not evade the attack while grabbing the attacker’s hand. After dragging the Little Umbrella towards him, he pounced on him and bit his head.

Jiang Lan fully expected the Little Umbrella to be very tasty. But the taste turned out to be bitter.

He turned pale while trying to spit out the fragments of the mushroom.

It’s so bitter!

The Little Umbrella was taken by surprise and covered his head without thinking. Even though his body was not made of flesh and blood, suddenly being bitten was still painful.

He jumped up and down, cursing.” Why do you bite me? Are you a dog?”

Jiang Lan wrinkled his face and kept spitting in disgust while trying to look innocent.” I don’t mean to bite you. You taste so bad. Why do I bite you?”

Then he spat again to show his disgust.

After scanning the chaotic scene in the bedroom behind his back, he looked back to check the Little Monster.

A glance removed his worry, but he didn’t know how to react to what he saw.

He was just a cub, after all.

He walked over to feed wrinkle-faced Jiang Lan a cranberry-flavored candy and bent down to pick up the cursing Little Umbrella.

The Little Umbrella tried to turn into spores to get out of his grip but was shocked to discover he couldn’t extricate himself from his hands.

He cried while wiggling his legs.” Sister, Sister, I am caught! You run away quickly!”

Cheng Hua stepped on the sister under his feet and pointed to the struggling Little Umbrella with a puzzled look.” How do you manage to bring up an imp like this?”

The Red Devil Umbrella.”…..”

An angry look flashed across her face.” Now I am your prisoner. Kill me if you want!”

Cheng Hua sneered.” You don’t know? Now we have the rule of law, and even monsters are governed by the law. We have to follow a legal procedure to punish you.”

Then he said to Ying Qiao and Jiang Lan.” Our job is done here. Let’s escort them to the Monster Bureau.”

He conjured up a tiny cage and cast a spell to fit the Red Devil Umbrella sister and brother into the cage.

This fist-sized cage was designed to detain monster suspects. He put one finger through the ring attached to the top of the cage. While whirling the cage in his hand, he threw a kindled evil-dispelling Fu to burn off the remaining mushroom threads and spores.

In an instant, the feelings of darkness and wetness were gone, and those faraway sounds came near.

The sounds of neighbors walking above or under, birds chirping, and whirling wind…..were returning.

The three of them left Xu’s home and took the elevator down without making a sound.

Checking the time, Jiang Lan saw it was well past eleven o’clock in the evening.

In the car, Suan Ni had already fallen asleep with his backpack as a pillow.

Jiang Lan picked him up and moved him to a more comfortable position.

Cheng Hua was always perceptive and considerate.” I will take you home now. We will handle the rest.”

Jiang Lan intended to tag along to hear the Red Devil Umbrella’s interrogation. But it occurred to him that his lie would be exposed if they went together to the Monster Bureau. So he nodded.” Ok, Sorry to trouble Boss Cheng.”

Cheng Hua almost gave him a smile before he sensed Ying Qiao’s cold stare from the corner of his eyes. He froze his face. 

I don’t dare to cross a dragon in heat.

They got in the car and took their usual seats with Ying Qiao and Jiang Lan in the front while Cheng Hua sat in the back.

The Little Umbrella in the cage was still shouting.” Where are you taking us? Give us a clean death!”

Cheng Hua put his finger inside the cage and poked him.” Be quiet. Otherwise, we eat your sister now.

“………….”

The Little Umbrella fell silent.

Cheng Hua hung the cage from the rearview mirror. Once the car was started, the cage swayed with the car’s motion. The Little Umbrella rolled from side to side, trying to hold back his curse with a pathetic look on his face.

Jiang Lan laughed at them.

At this moment, Suan Ni woke up to the noise and crawled out of the bag. He was very curious about the cage and stood up on his hind legs to play with it. The cage rocked even harder.

The Red Devil Umbrellas.”…….”

They were mad but couldn’t vent their anger.

Jiang Lan held his little brother and opened a packet of dried fish to feed him. He combed his hair while Suan Ni was eating.

Ying Qiao glanced at the two brothers from the corner of his eyes with a little disappointment.

When can I see the fluffy cute Little Monster in his original form?

******************

The car parked outside of the apartment complex.

Ying Qiao would go back to the Monster Bureau with Cheng Hua, so he didn’t accompany Jiang Lan to his home.

“I am not sure if the Red Devil Umbrella is poisonous. If you don’t feel well tomorrow, call me.”

Recalling the scene where Jiang Lan bit the Red Devil Umbrella like a cub, Ying Qiao was a little worried. The Little Monster was too young to take part in a fight like this.

He advised.” Next time, please don’t bite anything you come across. It’s not hygienic.”

Jiang Lan felt a little guilty and nodded his head hard.” I know now!”

Ying Qiao was a little pleased by his reaction. He emptied his pocket of the remaining candies and shoved them into Jiang Lan’s pocket.” Boss will apply a bonus for you again. I will transfer it to you when we receive it.”

Jiang Lan kept nodding.” Ok, ok.”

“Go back now, and sleep well.” Ying Qiao rubbed his head with a caring look.

Jiang Lan said goodbye and walked into the apartment complex.

Ying Qiao didn’t go back to the car until Jiang Lan went out of his sight.

Cheng Hua had already moved to the driver seat and asked him in a humbled voice.” Where should we go next? The Villa or the Bureau?”

Holding the cage in his hand, Ying Qiao scrutinized it with great interest.” The Bureau. The Police were now working extra time on this case. We will hand them over now, so we can expedite their work.”

Cheng Hua looked at him in surprise.

Since when did you care about how the Police work the case? Raising a cub could indeed soften hearts.

Ying Qiao saw the greedy looks on his face and snorted.” You will get extra pay for the past few days, and your year-end bonus will rise fifty percent.”

Cheng Hua’s face melted in a broad smile.” I am willing to work to the death for you, Boss! Please call me anytime if you need me to work extra time.”

Ying Qiao watched him with a cold face.” When you receive your bonus, transfer his share from it to Jiang Lan and tell him it was the bonus you applied for him.”

The newly-promised year-end bonus now felt less exciting. As if he just ate a lemon, Cheng Hua was a little sour[3].” Ok, Boss.”

This is the difference between a friend and a lover.

After taking the lead to defeat the criminal monster, he got the same reward as the Little Monster, who just stayed behind and did nothing.

Cheng Hua thought to himself:

This is perhaps what humans call nepotism.

References↑1the original text is 真身, literally means the real body. Because many monsters could make copies of themselves to deceive their enemy or serve other useful purposes, it is essential to identify the original copy↑2TL’s note, which is probably Yunnan Province in China’s southern border with Myanmar↑3TL’s note: the original text is 酸, literally means sour, in this context means jealous. Chinese slang word