The Kiss From Hell

There was a stir that was different from the usual noise. The eyes of the guests sitting on the bar headed toward the entrance of the lounge, but they were trying not to be too obvious, and the sound of whispering started to spread like a calm wave. John’s eyes grew bigger, raising his head without thinking. A handsome man stood tall and looked around the lounge.

As there was a dress code in Lillyn, customers visiting this place were also dressed appropriately formal. However, Valentine was particularly noticeable even among those who showed off their looks. It was as if he were ready to step on a red carpet. People exchanged excited whispers at the appearance of a handsome man.

“Over there… Isn’t that Valentine Lindbergh?”

“I think so. Why is he here? Is he alone?”

“My goodness, he seems like an art piece taken out of Madame Tussauds.”

As he heard a murmur, John frowned. At that moment, their eyes met each other. A light, thin smile hung over the rather pale face. Every step Valentine took, people’s eyes followed patiently.

“Good evening.”

Valentine, facing John, smiled and greeted him. As if wandering in a fantasy, clarity had returned to the eyes whose focus was blurred. John, still having a frown, whispered in a low voice for anyone to hear.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m not here to see you.”

“What?”

“I’m here as a guest. I want a drink.”

John was speechless by his natural reply. Valentine sat on the stool and asked.

“Aren’t you going to take my order?”

“…”

“Excuse me.”

The longer the conversation, the more curious people’s eyes increased one by one. While grinding his teeth, John had no choice but to give him the menu. However, Valentine only stared at John without even paying attention to it. Eventually, John sighed and asked him directly.

“What are you going to drink?”

“Anything. I’m fine with anything you make for me.”

With that, without saying anything, John took out the least popular bourbon whiskey in Lillyn. Putting out the strong drink in front of Valentine, he turned his back without delay. A smile suddenly came to Valentine’s eyes staring at the straight back.

Why on earth did that bastard come here…

John chewed on his lips. He could feel a blatant gaze following every moving line. His back was burning, but John acted as if he didn’t feel anything. The unnatural appearance was tantamount to proof of the fact that he was conscious of Valentine, but he could not do anything. And Valentine never missed a chance to look at John openly.

The black shirt embroidered with red Chinese characters matched as if it were fit for his slim body. Valentine squinted his eyes and then opened them. John started sweating. Now, he thought maybe it was all his delusion, but Valentine made him come back to reality with the green eyes directed at him.

John, after approaching Valentine again, gave a low sigh.

“… Stop staring. Other people will think it’s weird.”

“They all care too much about other people’s business.”

You stand out too much. With the answer that he thought but didn’t say, John rolled his lips.

“Say, why are you here?”

“I didn’t mean to make you angry. I just wanted to check.”

“On what?”

“On you.”

“…”

“See that you’re here.”

John’s face showed that he didn’t understand. But soon, he heard someone calling him from a distance, and Valentine waved lightly, without paying attention, as if he let him go. John’s eyes, who were about to turn around, went to the back of Valentine’s hand.

“…”

He had felt it last time, what was on the back of Valentine’s hand was a scar. However, the shape was strange to say that it was a common wound. It was like it hadn’t healed properly, as if the flesh had been torn to pieces and glued together. A question popped out before he could process it.

“You.”

“…?”

“What’s that scar?”

Valentine could not have noticed the interest he had for a moment. However, he showed his hand as if he wouldn’t miss that John was interested in him. The skin on his hand, marked by colorful wounds, appeared grotesquely distorted.

“Are you curious?”

John gave no answer, but Valentine looked down at the back of his hand and continued in a calm voice.

“After you disappeared, insects began to appear.”

“…?”

“Whenever I woke up, they were stuck on the back of my hand all the time.”

“…”

“I was so lazy that I left them alone, but as it was getting louder and louder, I just killed them.”

John’s face, once filled with confusion, gradually hardened. His narrowed gaze focused intently, and his teeth clamped down on his lower lip, turning it pale as the pressure increased.

“… What are you, a weakling?”

The sharp question popped out after the silence. Valentine shrugged. A light smile formed in John’s mouth at the silent affirmation.

“Haha… unbelievable.”

The expression on his face was a little bitter and self-deprecating. He thought he was living well because of what he saw on TV, but maybe he wasn’t. He thought it was just himself, but Valentine also seemed to be a mess. Are all heart broken people like this?

Valentine, who noticed that the solid defense had become loose for a bit, intentionally did a weak voice.

“Not anymore. Only when I thought you were dead.”

John’s pupils shook. However, after looking at his his expression for a while, he raised his lips cynically.

“I don’t care, about you or whatever.”

As John turned around, seemingly done with the situation, Valentine’s voice trailed off, hanging in the air behind him.

“But, like this, I showed up again in front of you.”

“…”

“You really don’t care?”

His back was stiff. Amidst the uneasy silence, the sound of music with a strong bass crept in. John turned around slowly. The momentary agitation that had surfaced earlier appeared to have dissipated, leaving no room for further prodding. He answered in a calm voice.

“If you’re trying to say stupid things, get lost.”

Valentine, with a smile, shook his head.

“I get it, I’ll be quiet.”

And Valentine didn’t try to get a reaction out of John any more. He was just sipping a glass in his seat. Sometimes, courageous people approached and talked to him, but he sent them back with a polite smile.

The persistent gaze stabbed John like dozens of needles. Even his skin was tingling. But John didn’t want to give Valentine any satisfaction by showing it. There was a heavy tension as they were conscious of each other, but did not show it. It gnawed at his nerves like relentless ants.

It was as if they were in another world, with the two alone.

* * *

It had been a rainy night since early evening. Although there was a tent, it was not completely possible to avoid the rain, and because of this, the outdoor lounge was quieter than usual. Thanks to this, John could attend to the customers leisurely, but suddenly felt a stinging look on his cheek. His expression trembled as he raised his head thoughtlessly. Joseph stood at the entrance of the lounge.

“… Joseph.”

Was it because too many things happened at once? The last time he saw Joseph felt like a distant past. That didn’t mean that John had forgotten about him. However, it was also true that he didn’t think he would see him again.

When Joseph’s gaze met John’s, he twisted his lips into a smile that bordered on ridicule. The coldness emanating from his expression erased any trace of friendliness that might have existed. Caught off guard by the sudden distance in their relationship, John hardened his own expression as if defending himself, further lowering the temperature between the two.

It was Joseph who first opened his mouth in the conflicting silence.

“John… No, Ethan.”

John looked down unconsciously at the cool voice which reminded him of his days at Heritage. Joseph let out a small sigh as he looked at him acting like a scolded child. This time, he said in a slightly more relaxed voice.

“Don’t you have something to tell me?”

“… Wait. Let’s go out and talk.”

John asked for understanding from his colleagues first and left Lillyn with Joseph. The two came down in the staff elevator to the back of the building. An uncomfortable tension expanded between the two facing each other in a space where a pale emergency exits glowed faintly.

Although he came down with Joseph recklessly, John didn’t seem to have anything to say. He didn’t have any excuse. Therefore, John pretended to have a thinking face and squeezed his hair out of tension. Joseph waited for John to say anything, but eventually raised the white flag first in the tediously long silence.

“Come to think of it, I don’t even know your number.”

“…”

“Why did you disappear?”

“…”

“You must have forgotten how to speak.”

Joseph tilted his chin obliquely to John’s stubborn silence. His patience seemed to be running out, but the voice flowing through the lips was still calm.

“You disappeared as if you had evaporated, so all I’m asking you is what you were doing.”

“… I…”

John recalled what happened last with Joseph. Joseph told him to wait because he had something to say, but John ignored the request and left the party. It was because of the shallow pride that he didn’t want to be full of words while saying goodbye.

‘And… Valentine caught me.’

If he were Joseph, he would have thought it was ridiculous. Everyone would have been angry if you saw a person who disappeared like smoke appear and smiling casually. It was easy to imagine how Joseph would feel now.

However, he didn’t know how to explain his absence to Joseph. John still had no intention of telling him that he had met Valentine. He didn’t want any more sympathy from Joseph. At the age of eighteen, it was enough for him to be looked at as if he were miserable. Therefore, instead of answering obediently, John returned the question and drew a line.

“Why did you try to find me?”

“… That’s your answer?”

The golden eyes burned as if they were ignited.

“Why did I want to find you?”

“Yes.”

“You’re asking because you don’t know, or you want me to say it myself.”

“I don’t know what you mean…”

“I was worried about you.”

“…”

“I was worried about you.”

“…”

“And I’m angry. I didn’t know anything about you, and the only place I could go was this damn club.”

There was a crack on John’s face. Joseph smiled bitterly at him. However, for John, it was an unexpected answer. He thought Joseph would be more angry at the fact that he was ignored than worried.

“I… I didn’t know.”

Joseph laughed self-helply once again at the dumb response. Going through his hair with his large hand, he muttered to himself.

“Well, what can I say? You said I’m not your friend.”

John, having nothing to say, looked down. Joseph was worried about him, so he felt more awkward than thankful, like when you wear clothes that don’t fit you. It would have been better if he got angry. His face kept getting worse.

“… Just leave it. Now I can see that you’re just fine.”

Joseph didn’t interrogate John anymore. Instead, he bent down and looked up at John from below, stubbornly lowering his head. John’s eyes trembled at the unexpected glance. It was not the light of the emergency exit, but the eyes he made contact with that spread warmth.

“Are you sick?”

Joseph asked, looking closely at the pale face. All the anger he had in him was gone, his voice was full of worries. John bit his lips. An overwhelming sensation of suffocation surged through John, compressing his chest and making it difficult to draw a breath.

Joseph’s feelings for John were uncomfortable, but not unpleasant, and it was not hot but warm. Pure goodwill with no intention or purpose was something John had never felt through others in recent years.

When Joseph stretched his knees, the two came close as if their noses would touch each other. The fresh scent he once smelled touched the tip of his nose. Joseph giggled at John, who got more rigid. Before he knew it, a voice lightly rang in his ears.

“Why did you suddenly lose your mind?”

Joseph was quick to change his mood as if it was very simple, and showed intimacy without hesitation. The careless attitude of crossing the border shook John’s heart and confused him. As he was a man who was always ready to defend, he warned himself not to be swayed by this. He was overwhelmed enough just by Valentine breaking into his life, he didn’t want more shit to deal with. John suddenly became afraid.

“… You are too close.”

Pak, he pushed Joseph’s shoulder more than the necessary force. Joseph paused and stepped back, looked down at the hand holding his shoulder and looked up again at John’s face. Unable to face Joseph, John glared at the wall behind him. Trying not to look at Joseph, he spoke out in a fast tone.

“Why do you care about me? It’s not like we have a good relationship for you to do that.”

“…”

“I was… I was just out of my mind, don’t worry.”

Joseph’s expression gradually cooled down in response to pushing him out of the boundary. The intimacy he had shown a while ago also disappeared without a trace. Joseph will get angry this time. With that in mind, John lowered his gaze. Contrary to his expectations, however, Joseph, after remaining silent, only said.

“Is that your answer?”

John felt momentary sinking at the question as if confirming it. But the tightly closed lips didn’t open. Joseph shook off his shoulders lightly in response to John’s silence. His head tilted sharply, and his rebellious mouth rose crookedly. A completely different voice from a while ago flowed through the lips with clear curves.

“Yeah, now that I think about it, I don’t know why I did it.”

“…”

“Maybe I was a fucking philanthropist as you said.”

“… Joseph, what I mean…”

“I’m leaving.”

Joseph stopped talking to John and gave him a tight grip on his shoulder before leaving. The burning pain spread from the shoulder and it hurt. After Joseph passed John, the heavy iron door opened with a rusted metal sound. Joseph didn’t look at John until he left the building.

An unknown emptiness grew in John’s chest as he walked away. What followed was a stirring and crushing anxiety.

Why do I feel like this when I brought it on myself…

Without even thinking of changing his expression, John stared blankly as he crossed the bright boulevard. Rainy city nights were darker than usual. Then, his hearing came back. The faint sound of rain hit John’s ears.

“Ah…”

The rain seemed to never stop. John reached out for the pouring rain and groaned low. He remembered a conversation he once had with Joseph in the past.

‘It was raining.’

‘That day, actually, there was a coat in the back seat.’

‘I should have given it to you, so I still regret it.’

Maybe Joseph recalled the memory of that day…

That might be why he stopped by this place.

At that moment, an unexpected swear word came out of John’s mouth.

Just a while ago, he pushed Joseph out of selfishness because he no longer wanted to be involved in complicated situations. He really didn’t want to, but now he thought he’d regret it if he didn’t go get him him. The flow of thought, which was arbitrary and irrational, was urgent and immature.

John thought. I think I should say sorry to Joseph even if it’s too late. No, maybe it would be more appropriate to say thank you than to say sorry.

Whatever it is, I need to get to Joseph now.

John had come to his senses late. He jumped into the rain without hesitation. The step to catch up with Joseph became incredibly fast. John’s hands overlapped over Joseph’s wrist, who had just left the alley. The defenseless raided body stumbled and turned around.

And John said the words that he had wanted to say for a long time.

“Joseph…”

“…”

“Thank you.”

Joseph’s eyes grew wide because of the unexpected gratitude. Seeing him clearly expressing doubts about whether he heard it right, John burst into a light laugh without noticing.

Joseph was always on the same page. Among those who hid their thoughts and desires inside, he was the only predictable one… so he was perhaps the only reassuring target.

John looked down at the hand. It was a big one so, in a way, it was threatening, but John knew it wouldn’t hurt him. Like having mysophobia, he extremely avoided unnecessary contact with people, but it wasn’t like that this time. John gave a little more strength to the hand holding the wrist.

John decided to admit it. In any sense, it was a fact that Joseph had become a little special. When he was with him, he felt comfortable and felt totally the opposite of the painful and exhausting tension Valentine gave him.

“The truth is, Joseph…”

John let out a long breath. Then he poured out rambling words as if he were confessing.

“Now I’m completely exhausted.”

Joseph didn’t say anything back, but John knew he was listening. Rainwater collected through the gap in Joseph’s wrist and then fell toward the floor. With a faint trembling voice, John continued to speak without hiding his complex feelings.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, and I don’t even know what I’ve been struggling with. To be honest… I feel a bit hopeless.”

Joseph’s face gradually fell apart at the ensuing confession. The coldness was scattered in the eyes pretending to be cold, and the stiff wrist also lost strength. John closed his eyes reflectively to the rain drops that got into his eyes. He felt fingertips carefully touching his closed eyes.

“What… what’s going on with you?”

John’s finger gently brushed against his skin, hesitatingly wiping away the raindrops. In the aftermath, only a gentle glow remained. John, who opened his eyes slowly, smiled vaguely instead of answering Joseph’s questions.

“Today you came to see me, and I feel a little better about falling into the abyss.”

“…”

“I’m sorry for acting solely based on my own desires, Joseph, but you’re mistaken. I think you’re…  a good friend.”

Joseph clasped his lips as if he had something to say, but eventually said nothing. Perhaps Joseph’s feelings for John were deeper than that to be just a friend. However, John turned away from it and defined their relationship with the word friend.

If Joseph couldn’t provide the feelings he wanted, it was right not to hold on. John knew he was being selfish. But for now, he hoped his warmth would reach him. In this situation, which could only be said to be abnormal, he was the only man of common sense, and when John was with him, he felt like he was in a little bit of a bright place.

‘So…’

Even though he knows what I really look like and what kind of person I am… Wouldn’t it be okay to ask for a little consolation from him as he is still besides me?

“Now you’re the only friend I have left.”

One step closer to Joseph, John bowed his head as if he were leaning. John’s wet forehead rested on Joseph’s hard shoulders. Through the forehead, John felt the body getting tensed along with slow breathing.

Standing firm, Joseph grabbed John’s shoulder. The hesitant hand didn’t move any further. And John burst into unexpected laughter at the awkward answer that followed.

“Then, first of all, just give me your number.”

However, neither Joseph nor John moved first, and the two stood still in the rain, savoring the peace for a moment.